5 Positive Side Effects of the Resurgence of Pirates

Sure, the made-up swine flu pandemic may be the hottest item in 24-hour news these days. But if you ask us, killer viruses are still nothing compared to f**king pirates! With these 21st Century swashbucklers re-taking over the high seas, a whole new element has been added to life here on Earth. Here are 5 reasons having these lawless thieves around isn’t such a bad thing.

5. U.S. Policy Now Sounds Amusingly Anachronistic

We live in a world where the current president of the United States condemns both sea piracy and human cloning.  Let that sink in for a moment. Right around the time we have our first manned mission to Mars, I’m expecting to hear about the Knights of the Round Table finally resuming their quest for the Grail.

4. We Get South Park Episodes Like This One

“Seriously, how hard is this, people?”

3. International Spotlight on Somalia Could Result in Better Aid, Healthier Country

Okay, so this one is serious.  But perhaps with Somalia now on everyone’s radar, the country will get the help it needs to become more functional and less poverty-stricken, resulting in fewer young men being lured into piracy in the first place.

2. Lame People Finally Stop Doing Borat Impressions; Shift Back to Jack Sparrow Impressions

The four guys left who you still hear shouting “Very niiice!” from their dorm room down the hall will finally go back to “But why is the rum gone!?”  (At least until Brüno comes out.)

1. The U.S. Has Plenty More Chances to be Totally Awesome

It was the best action movie ever, only real.  Pirates hijack a Navy cargo ship.  The twenty-one crew members attempt to retake control of the ship and even temporarily capture one of the pirates, but eventually a standoff is established after the captain of the cargo ship, Richard Phillips, volunteers to be taken hostage and the pirates leave the ship with Phillips on a life boat.  A standoff is established, followed by hostage negotiations.  Phillips attempts an escape that involves shoving a pirate into the water after the pirate briefly sets down his AK-47, but it fails.  Finally, four days after the initial hijacking, Phillips’ life is determined to be in immediate danger, and with standing orders from President Obama, Navy SEAL snipers simultaneously shoot and kill Phillips’ three captors.

Could that be any cooler?  No.  No it could not.