Top 10 Summer Movies Guaranteed to Bomb
April 15, 2009 Posted in Entertainment, Movies
By now, it’s easy to know what to expect from the summer movie season. There will be a few movies with big robots (Transformers 2, Terminator). There will be at least one superhero movie (Wolverine). At least one Judd Apatow movie (Funny People) and at least one Adam Sandler movie (Funny People, again). Then there will be another movie only produced by Apatow (Year One). Finally, there will be a critically-acclaimed Pixar movie (Up) and, yep, it’s also a Harry Potter year.
Chances are, they won’t all be good. But we’re excited about them anyway, because they deliver everything we want out of summer movies: explosions, laughs, and, well, that’s pretty much it. We’re easily satisfied.
But then there are other movies. Movies that somehow find themselves in the summer season amidst all these blockbusters that just don’t jive with the summer spirit. They’re too serious, too treacly, or too completely, horribly awful. We present to you the top ten summer movies of 2009…that we guarantee will bomb.
10. Dance Flick (May 22nd)
Does anyone lament the death of the spoof movie? They were on a big roll for a while with the Scary Movies, and then on a smaller-but-still-profitable roll there with Date Movie and Epic Movie, but finally — after the painfully diminishing returns had hit their lowest point with Meet the Spartans — Superhero Movie and Disaster Movie flopped. And it was about time. But apparently the Wayans brothers, who did the first two Scary Movies, never got the memo. So they’re coming out with Dance Flick, and the title is all you need to know. To avoid paying money to see it.
9. Away We Go (June 5th)
Unlike Dance Flick, this is a movie that actually has higher aspirations in mind. In fact, on paper, it sounds terrific: The Office‘s beloved John Krasinski and SNL‘s undervalued Maya Rudolph team up for a comedy written by author Dave Eggers and directed by American Beauty‘s Sam Mendes. It looked good, until we saw the trailer and realized it was so hipster-pretentious that it made us want to claw our eyes out. (No no, it’s deep, see, because he has a beard. And they stare off into space a lot while indie music plays.) Who’s not tired of that?
8. Final Destination: Death Trip 3D (August 28th)
Aren’t animated movies kind of embarrassed that the only other genre embracing 3D is B-grade horror? My Bloody Valentine 3D came out in January, and now we have this, actually the fourth Final Destination movie. (We imagine they were afraid Final Destination 4: Death Trip 3D would’ve been too confusing.)
7. Battle for Terra (May 1st)
Remember Delgo? Delgo was a computer-animated original story that took over $40 million and six years for an unknown independent animation studio to finish. Unfortunately, unknown independent animation studios don’t know much about marketing, so it set the record late last year for the worst per-theater opening weekend of a wide release ever. Battle for Terra, which screened at the 2007 Toronto Film Festival (yeah, it’s been sitting around not getting released for two years) looks like the next Delgo.
6. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (July 17th)
Battle for Terra premiered at the 2007 Toronto Film Festival, right? Well, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane premiered at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival. It’s been mishandled by the Weinstein Company (which recently gave up the film to Senator Distribution) ever since. Not that that means we want to see it — it looks like the umpteenth crappy horror movie of recent months — but it does have rising star Amber Heard (the chick from Pineapple Express who also just booked a Johnny Depp movie) going for it. Of course, if you’re an Amber Heard fan, just go see The Informers when it comes out later this month; she spends the majority of the movie naked.
5. The Time Traveler’s Wife (August 14th)
We hear “Time Traveler,” we think: hey, time travel, sci-fi, that sounds cool. (Yes, we’re that easy to please.) But then we look at the official still photos from the movie: nothing but Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams staring at each other. Seriously, a bunch of production stills have been released, and that’s all they are. What a lame bait-and-switch. When you drop phrases like “Time Traveler,” we want Lost meets Back to the Future meets Star Trek IV, not a romantic drama!
4. Jennifer’s Body (September 18th)
At first, any movie starring Megan Fox with the word “body” in the title sounds like a winning idea. That is until you find out it’s written by Juno‘s precocious one-hit-wonder, Diablo Cody. Not to mention Fox’s topless scene is said to have been cut. And on top of all that, it’s being billed as a “horror-comedy” which is just Hollywood speak for “we have no idea how to market this piece of crap, but we’re sure as hell going to try.” Sorry, Megan – we love you. But this one is going to be one for the sh!tter.
3. The Ugly Truth (July 24th)
At a glance, it looks like a pretty harmless romantic comedy. And we haven’t picked on Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (May 1st), starring Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner, or When in Rome (August 14th), starring Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel. So why are we complaining about this one? One, because it stars Katherine “I’m such a jerk that I publicly insulted the writers of my own show via not a slip of the tongue but a full-blown official statement” Heigl. And another, because the story seems sexist. Seriously, we know we just made fun of Heigl, but go with us here: she plays a morning show producer who can’t find love because she’s apparently too self-confident and successful — until a chauvinistic correspondent comes along who apparently tames her into falling in love with him. Kind of weird, right?
2. Imagine That (June 12th)
Eddie Murphy scored at the box office with Norbit, then failed badly with Meet Dave. So in a world where Daddy Day Care can gross over $100 million, what will audiences make of his return to family-friendly territory with Imagine That? Hopefully, that it looks like an even blander version of Bedtime Stories.
1. My Sister’s Keeper (June 26th)
Let’s see…My Sister’s Keeper, starring Abigail Breslin and Cameron Diaz, is the story of a girl who was genetically conceived as a bone marrow match for her leukemia-ridden older sister so that she could help her fight the disease via lots of surgeries and blood transfusions, and once she discovers this, takes her parents to court in order to emancipate herself from them. Who knows what happens to the sick sister (actually, we have an idea), but we are sure that we’re never watching this movie in a million years, and for something that sounds this emotionally devastating to be released in the otherwise happy-go-lucky whiz-bang summer season seems like it should be illegal. Just writing that synopsis made us want to crawl in bed for three days and sob.
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Dave Eggers is a national treasure.
Adam Sandler is doing a Judd Apatow movie??? Wehew!!! F*ck Deuce Bigalow 3 – I am way working on this one.
How about the 10 best movies of the year so far.. or 5
Albatronix says:
Wed, 15th Apr 2009 12:43 pm
Dave Eggers is a national treasure.
Albatronix get a life and stop wasting your time putting people on a pillar…..
"it’s written by Juno’s precocious one-hit-wonder, Diablo Cody"
I'm not much of a Cody fan but isn't it entirely too soon to be giving her this label?
Actually Time Traveler's Wife is really, really good; at least the book was. It should do really well in theaters, the story is very compelling. Sex, drugs, rock and roll violence and plot twists to make your head spin.
Alright list except for Time Traveller's Wife. You clearly do not realize this is a movie based on the book. If they don't screw it up it should be excellent… good plot, good characters and the whole bit.
this was really a bad list, full of romcoms and indie movies. Dunno if you knew it but pretty much all indie films bomb at the box office, and rom coms aren't made for you.
My Sister's Keeper is actually a book written by Jodi Picoult. It's a great book and I'm actually really excited to see the movie. Although Cameron Diaz's role is of a sometimes seemingly cold-hearted woman, which is hard to imagine.
If you read any of the books associated with these movies (The Time Traveler's Wife, My Sister's Keeper), you wouldn't be making such inaccurate predictions. Idiot.
I can appreciate a rom-com, Connie. That's why I made a point of only including one on the list.
Nadia, you're right, I haven't read either of those books. But my remarks on both of those movies (especially Time Traveler's) were a little tongue-in-cheek, in case you didn't catch that.
Time Traveler's Wife = amazing book. Alas, the time traveling isn't of the sort that could be caught in a still (no machines, no CGI, just a guy quietly vanishing when he can't help it). I'm a little worried about Bana in it…. would have enjoyed the Pitt version, had it been made, as the time traveler is naked a lot (clothes don't travel).
Keep in mind I'm intensely stupid
If you had read Time Traveller's Wife you would know the film is going to be pretty cool. You fucking spaz.
Imagine that may do well. As a parent of children of the correct age, I would appreciate more family friendly movies from Eddie Murphy.
Though as times get tough, and movie ticket prices slowly rise, it is doubtful that many families will flock to the theater when it is cheaper for the family to rent the DVD. So as long as it is not bland as you predict, it should do well in the long run.
thanks your top line,i like it!could you post more? i like to see top 50 or 100,haha…
why not scoopea it? http://scoopea.com/
For the people who are defending Time Traveler's Wife and Sisters Keeper: I do agree that it's kind of hard to see someone say that these movies will bomb, but you're forgetting the reason of the post. These films might be decent, or even great, but he was addressing the films ability to be a hit in the box office being released in the summer. Even though they might be good movies, it can be debatable if they'll compete with other anticipated or spectacular movies released around the same time, or even be remotely relevant to the common movie-goer during the summer.
Maybe this is more of a list of what should bomb – that I would agree with most. The Wayans last 2 flicks, LITTLE MAN (didn’t bother seeing) and WHITE CHICKS (was dreadful) did ok at the box office, and while you’re right on the the last few spoof movies bombing, this film may just find an audience (although it shouldn’t).
While I agree IMAGINE THIS looks horrid, again, kid-friendly family film has a chance because there’s usually not much out, at least live-action, for kids.
When the FRIDAY THE 13TH remake can still open #1, FINAL DEST. 3D may just have enough of a built in audience to do ok.
They marketed BATTLE FOR TERRA in front of MONSTERS VS. ALIENS, and it looked pretty cool, for the Star Wars crowd. And the fact that it will be showing in 3D may just help it.
I have to disagree on AWAY WE GO. Sam Mendes is a hit or miss – JARHEAD sucked, but REVOLUTIONARY ROAD blew me away and I thought it was the best film of last year (I know not many agree with me on that, but for anyone who’s had a dream and has let fear hold you back, this is the film for you). I’m willing to give Mendes the benefit of the doubt, and given many in the country and middle America are going through what these characters are (poor-ass broke), this has the potential to be a sleeper hit. And I just disagree with the hipster-pretentious comment. It looks sweet from the trailer.
Like someone above, I also take issue with calling DIABLO CODY a one-hit wonder. Have you heard of an HBO show she created called THE UNITED STATES OF TARA? Since I’m a poor pretentious hipster, I can’t afford HBO and haven’t seen it yet, however it’s getting rave reviews. And while cutting Mexan Fox’s topless scene doesn’t help, again, willing to give Cody the benefit of the doubt.
I agree with you on THE UGLY TRUTH, but at least Gerard Butler has charisma and tries different roles, whereas Matthew McConaughey has played the same romantic lead how many times? GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIEND’S PAST looks horrible.
…and what about Nia Vardalos’s new film MY LIFE IN RUINS … could she look any older? What’s with her neck, it’s a different color than her face – could they not hire a better makeup artist? Who’s going to go see that? No one went to see CONNIE AND CARLA her follow up to GREEK WEDDING, showing maybe Vardalos is a one-hit wonder.
How about THE HURT LOCKER? Action or not, who wants to see a film about a bomb squad in Iraq, with leads who may be recognizable, but you can’t really recall their names. Iraq films continue to fail over and over again.
FYI…movies that look good:
UP
EXTRACT
GIGANTIC
ARMORED (not usually into to heist films, as most are cliche, but doesn’t look half bad from the trailer, and it’s cool to see REMO WILLIAMS back in action again).
Your protests about the “one hit wonder Diablo Cody” line may be valid, but hey, I was assuming everybody would get distracted by the picture.
Then again, no one’s called me out on the fact that Jennifer’s Body is coming out in September and therefore isn’t actually a summer movie, so maybe you were distracted after all.
You missed the biggest bomb of them all
Star Trek:Die Hard.
Now with more explosions that Die Hard and More painful acting that transformers.
Sure to be worse that Star Trek 5.