Top 5 Celebrity Animal Maulings

If I had a chimpanzee, I would surely dress it up in “people clothes.” I think it would be “funny.” But does the chimp have any say in the matter? Hell no. And when that day comes and it attacks me, would people be so damn surprised? Absolutely not – because f**king around with dangerous wild animals is unnatural and retarded. To prove our point, here are the Top 5 Animal Maulings.

#5 Siegfried and Roy

Sure it’s fun to be an eccentric master illusionist who thinks they are Dr. Dolittle and can talk to the animals. But a tiger is still a tiger. During their Vegas act, one of their famed tigers grabbed Roy by its mighty jaws and dragged him off stage by his face. Roy claimed the tiger was protecting him. I say it’s Social Darwinians.

#4 Old Navy Chimp

Travis the chimp used to star in Old Navy commercials. Then he became an overweight Hollywood wash up. The chimp was raised as a member of the family and would even occasionally drink wine at the dinner table. One day Travis went berserk and started biting the face of a family friend, who began hitting Travis with a butcher knife. Travis still continued attacking her. Haven’t we learned anything from Planet of the Apes?

#3 Grizzly Man

The Werner Herzog, documentary, Grizzly Man, followed a man, who we think is crazy because he lives in the wild and cohabitates with grizzly bears, illegally, in wildlife preserves. He’s another nutbag who thought he could talk to the animals. In the end, the bears ended mauling him to death – and his girlfriend. Talk about douchebag…

#2 Steve Irwin

Aussie Steve Irwin would sometimes dangle his infant son over a pit of crocodiles. The Crocodile Hunter was known as the crazy guy on TV who always got bit by wild animals, all while being overly enthusiastic. But in the end, Irwin was pierced in the chest by a stingray while being filmed by TV cameras. Who would’ve guessed that would happen?!

#1 Ape-Liger Guy

OK, OK, this dude, we’ll call him “Uncle Steve”, isn’t as famous as Siegfried, Roy or any of the other people on this list – but he should be. This comes from an original COED story, but is no less incredible. Basically, Uncle Steve was a rich redneck who decided to spend his fortune on exotic animals. But things went sour one day when he was fixing the Liger cage (yes, Liger) and the Liger escaped and began to chase him down. As Steve tried to run away, an ape in the cage nextdoor grabbed him through the bars, pinning him to the cage as the Liger mauled him to death. Now, tell me that’s not the craziest sh!t you’ve ever heard.

Harmon Leon is the author of the American Dream