5 Reasons Why Branson, Missouri Is a Whack

Branson, Missouri is coined “The Live Music Show Capital of the World.” This is where Russian funnyman, Yakov Smirnoff has the Yakov Smirnoff Theater. It’s also one of the worst places I’ve ever been to—hands down. Hint: To make Branson really creepy, travel there during the winter months when most of the shows are shut down.

Here’re a few reasons why Branson Missouri is such a sh!thole:

1. MORE CHURCHES THAN CELEBRITY THEATERS

You are in the heart of Christian America. Don’t expect booze to be served at any of the country music shows that take place; Branson has about two bars in the whole damn town.

2. PATRIOT FLAG WAVING

Branson will make you crap red, white, and blue. Literal flag-waving actually takes place at some shows.

3. WHITE SUPREMACISTS

Besides being really large and old, tourist who come to Branson are also very white. And some locals prefer it that way. Branson has a high number of white supremacists. Hurrah! It’s only a mere 40 minutes from Harrison Arkansas, which is the home-base of the KKK!

4. CRYSTAL METH

Though Branson is practically a dry city, there’s a huge crystal meth problem amongst its young folks. Not surprisingly, Branson is roughly an hour from the meth capital of American: Springfield, Missouri.

5. YAKOV SMIRNOFF

When you reach the Branson city limits the first thing you see is a huge billboard of Russian funnyman, Yakov Smirnoff with his fingers in his ears and the words, “Danger! Explosive Comedy Ahead!” What a country!

Harmon Leon is the author of the American Dream