Chris Brown vs. Bobby Brown – One and the Same?

Unless you’ve been trapped in a rented silver Lamborghini all week, you’ve heard all about how up and coming R&B star Chris Brown was arrested on Sunday for beating up his girlfriend, R&B superstar Rihanna. Hey Chris, NOT COOL! OK? Not. Cool. While we were digesting this troubling news and wondering what would bring any man to lay a hand on the woman he loves, we had a bit of a revelation: Chris Brown has the same last name as one of the most famous wife beaters of all time, Bobby Brown. And the similarities don’t end there! In fact, Chris may actually be Bobby Brown reincarnated, living out almost the exact same life as Bobby once did, only two decades later.

This is probably just a wild fantasy of ours, because Bobby Brown’s life has been one eternal downward spiral the likes of which we have never seen before, but the evidence is fairly incontrovertible. Both Browns were born on the 5th of a month, Bobby in February and Chris in May. Both were born in a year ending in nine, Bobby in 1969 and Chris in 1989. Both rose to prominence as R&B heartthrobs at a young age, Bobby as a member of boy-band New Edition and Chris as a solo artist. Both have R&B diva girlfriends, Bobby’s is Whitney Houston and Chris’, obviously, is Rihanna. And unfortunately, both have beat up their respective woman.

Convinced? We are. And since Chris Brown is basically Bobby Brown the sequel, let’s look in our crystal ball and figure out how the rest of Chris’ life will play out.

Despite the domestic abuse, Rihanna will stay with him. This is bad news for both of them because they’ll develop serious substance abuse problems and will be in and out of rehab trying to kick their crack habits for the rest of their lives. Their singing careers will become complete jokes, they’ll both be arrested at least once, and they’ll eventually wind up making fools of themselves on reality TV a few years before they finally decide to put their marriage out of its misery and get a divorce. Shortly after that, Chris will suffer a mild heart attack. Which is far better than he deserves.