Top 5 Dumbest Things People Do To Their Trucks

People express themselves in weird ways. Some dance, some sing, others paint. And then there are the people who trick out their pick up trucks. What started as a fun way to kill time with your friends has now evolved to a full fledged art form, with magazines, festivals and conventions dedicated to the medium. But as with any art form, with the good comes the bad. And the worse. And the just plain retarded. Like these, the top 5 dumbest things that people do to their trucks.

1. Calvin Peeing on ____ Sticker

At some point in time, the Calvin peeing on things window decal became the universal standard for voicing your displeasure with a certain group of people and/or car manufacturer on the back of your pick up. The trend seems to have been around for so long that nobody bothers to question the meaning behind the imagery anymore.

But why Calvin? Why not Snoopy? Or Doonesbury? Or any other arbitrary comic strip character? And really, what does Calvin peeing on the Ford logo mean? “Hey dipsh*t, do you or anyone you know own a Ford? Yeah I bet you do, you f*cking loser. You know what I think about Fords? I think they suck. Stupid trucks, I hate them. I hate Harrison Ford, I hate Gerald Ford, I even hate words that rhyme with Ford, like board, lord, horde and ward. ‘Ford Tough’? More like ‘Ford You’re a Pussy’.” Yeah, the back of your pickup truck is definitely the place you want to be displaying this kind of thought provoking statement. That’s the place that people are really going to absorb it and take it seriously.

2. Airbrushed Tailgate

The back of a truck’s tailgate is reserved for special dedications. Flames and Calvin peeing on things can go on the sides and/or windows, but the back is where you put fads and trends aside, and instead focus on what’s most important to you in your life. Have a few golden retrievers whose deaths you want to commemorate? Want to let your daughters know how special they are to you? Maybe you had a couple of buddies who died in 9/11? Or maybe you didn’t, but that event holds a special place in your heart and you want it to forever hold a special place on your truck. Believe in leprechauns? Love wizards? Read the Bible? Let the world know what’s nearest and dearest to your heart by having it tastefully airbrushed on the back of your pick up.

3. Sexy Lady Mudflaps

You’d be hard pressed to find a more revealing truck accessory than the sexy lady mudflap. First of all, when you spot the naked silhouette of a cartoon lady below the bumper of a pickup, you know you’re dealing with a staunch feminist. Here’s a guy who truly respects women. He respects them so much that he’s put their likeness on a thing with the sole purpose of protecting his truck from getting sprayed with sh*t. Don’t be surprised if you hear the Spice Girls blasting out of his stereo, because watch out, this guy loves him some girl power.

Second of all, it goes without saying that he gets laid A LOT. He’s a regular Don Juan. Why else would he feel so comfortable with putting naked women on his truck? It’s his way of telling the people behind him in a traffic jam that he sees so many women naked in real life that he’s pretty much forgotten what they look like with clothes on, and also, f*ck it, put them anywhere.

4. Under-lighting

It’s hard to imagine how the trend of illuminating the ground below the body of your pick up came to exist. Maybe back in the ’80s there was some sort of competition in the parking lot of a Van Halen concert to come up with the most completely useless place to put lights on your truck, and and under the body narrowly beat out the inside of the flatbed, facing down. The purpose of these under truck lights is presumably to achieve a really cool “hey check it out my truck’s floating” kind of effect. The only problem is that instead of that effect being achieved, it just looks like you wasted a bunch of money making your truck look like a rolling fast food sign.

5. Flames

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to trick out the paint job on your vehicle. By now, we get it. You don’t use your pick up for hauling stuff around or, you know, being rugged. Your truck is your canvas; its doors and sides are where you express yourself. So what do you think you’re expressing about yourself with the flames? Is it… ‘Flamer’? Because hate to break it to you man, but that’s what they say.