A Pickup Artist’s Guide to Picking Up Ann Coulter

When the news broke recently that Ann Coulter had been dumped by her boyfriend, whose body she apparently hasn’t had a chance to eat yet, word quickly spread through the pickup artist community that a new top prize was loose on the field. You see, Ann is to pickup artists what ten point bucks are to hunters. She is their Moby Dick. Successfully picking her up would be the most impressive display of game maybe ever, or at least since John Smith famously day gamed Pocahontas back in the 1400s.

By Chuck

Ann’s eligibility has ignited a fierce debate amongst seasoned PUAs: how does one effectively employ Mystery’s teachings when your target is the most deranged female (who wasn’t born by Judy Garland) on the planet? Tried and true methods like negging and magic tricks are guaranteed to work on any woman no matter what, but since your target might not be entirely human, these techniques need to be adjusted accordingly in order to be 100-percent effective.

First, you need the most killer opening ever. Something that demonstrates your red-bloodedness, cold heartedness, and hatred for liberals, non-Christians and women (except her) all in fifteen words or less. A playful line like “Hey, quick question, who do you think has a better ass? Chuck Norris or Ted Nugent?” is probably a bit obvious, while a pop-culture reference like “Hey, what movie is this from? ‘Wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-f*ck you!’” might be too obscure. The safest bet is to go for something like “Hey, me and my friends just converted a synagogue full of Jews, and we are celebrating like it’s the ’04 Republican National Convention! Wanna join?”

Second, quickly introduce a false time constraint. “I’ve gotta go meet up with some friends and burn an effigy of Dennis Kucinich before O’Reilly comes on in a few minutes” is as smooth as they come.  Then, before she gets a chance to lie her way out of the encounter, neg her. And really, don’t hold back. She’s Ann Coulter. No neg is too severe. “You know, I love your books, but I’ve always found David Brooks to be a much truer conservative,” will get her nice and riled up. Then kick her legs out from under her by pointing out that the way she pronounces most words makes her sound like a real country club elitist, and also make fun of her ‘unique’ dye job. She’ll be stunned, mad, and also very sexually attracted to you.

Finally, try to casually demonstrate some higher value by muttering “God, I seriously hate the Jews,” or by talking about how many slaves your great grandfather used to own. Then quickly mention that you hate single mothers, which definitely isn’t code for anything racist.

Don’t be alarmed if after all this she starts hissing at you or tries to defecate on you. That should be interpreted as an IOI (indication of interest), and at the very least guarantees you some digits.