“Virgins. I love ‘em. No diseases, no loose as a goose V-jay, no skank. No nothin. Just pure pleasure.”
Thus begins Larry Clark’s 1995 film Kids, in which the main character, Telly, is a cherry popping fiend. From this movie to the Virgin Mary to (most recently) Natalie Dylan, virgins have been endlessly idolized throughout history, not only as symbols of purity and innocence, but as things that are also awesome to put your d*ck in. And for some of the reasons outlined by Telly, this idolization makes a bit of sense. Sure, they don’t have diseases, and yeah, their vaginas are tight. But the ‘pleasure’ aspect of that laundry list? Hardly! F*cking virgins is way more headache than its worth and than it has EVER been made out to be. Here are the five worst things about deflowering a virgin.
1. The Bleeding
The term ‘deflower’ originates from the act of breaking a girl’s hymen, or ‘flower’, which is a part of the vagina that is destroyed when it is first penetrated… Okay, YUCK! Was that enough disgusting biology talk for you? No? Well get ready, because when the cherry pops, the blood flows. Back in the day, when a virgin wife was all the rage and men used to hang bloody sheets out of their windows to publicly announce a deflowering, first-time sex bleeding was important. But now, centuries later, all a deflowering leaves you with is a bloody dong and an unnecessary trip to the dry cleaners. No thanks!
2. The Crying
“Big deal,” you’re thinking. “As long as that sh*t’s tight, I can deal with a case of Rudolph d*ck.” Well Captain Disgusting, here’s a little thing that women face during sex that men don’t: pain. As in, when you force their vaginas to dilate by putting your penis in it, it hurts them. As life goes on, and as more sex is had, this pain becomes less intense and less enduring. Some even learn to enjoy it. However, the first time it happens, unless you’re hung like a Japanese toddler, it hurts like a motherf*cker. Consequently, unless this lucky lady has an abnormally high threshold for pain, she will cry. And unless you’re a sadist, you’ll feel weird about it.
3. The Responsibility
Women view sex somewhat differently than men. You’ll be hard pressed to find many female porn addicts, or chicks that masturbate three times a day, or, for that matter, any girls who really love to f*ck virgin dudes. In this same way, and for the reasons outlined so far, women deal with losing their virginity far more emotionally than men. If you’re not careful with how you treat a girl during and after her first sexual encounter, you could sexually scar her for life, which is completely mean. Seriously, you’ve got a bizarre virgin fetish, but that doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole. Call her up, treat her right, and pay for her therapy/abortion if necessary.
4. The Parents
Ever had to shake a man’s hand, look him in the eye, smile, and the whole time have the thought “I stole your daughter’s virginity” running circles through your brain? Ever thought “Oh man, does he know? Did she tell him?! Can he read it on my face???” Post cherry popping parental interactions suck, and are also kind of unavoidable. The best way to deal with them is straight up honesty. Tell them the truth! You might get a black eye or lost a car windshield, but chances are you’ll get to avoid #5. Priceless.
5. The Exit (Breaking Up)
This ties in a bit with #3 and #4. Unless you’re some virgin loving millionaire who can just pay to pop, chances are you’ve had to work really hard on this girl and earn her trust before you could convince her to cash in the V-card. Hope it was all worth it, because now you’ve got yourself a regular old relationship with a regular old vagina. When it comes time to move on — when your craving for another virgin becomes too strong — you’ve got the stickiest breakup of a lifetime on your hands. You deflowered her. You took that which can never be taken again. You think if you just stop calling she’ll be cool with it and move on? Dude, no. If you want a smooth breakup, the safest bet is to change towns, get a new cellphone number, delete your Facebook account and, essentially, go underground for six months to a year. Remember to keep that therapy money flowing though. You don’t want to be jerk or anything.
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Well said, but you forgot the drama. It’s all drama when it comes to virgins.
I think bleeding + crying + responsibility + parents + a messy break-up *IS* the drama. No?
I kind of like the blood. Period sex is the best.
ok as a girl who lost her virginity about a year ago I’m going to have to call BS on some of this. Well, every girl is different but..
1. No, not all girls bleed. The hymen can break easily long before intercourse ever occurs. Tampons, riding a bike, masturbation, etc. It might be painful for some but not every woman.
2. Again with the pain.. it all depends on the woman’s body and if she has done some exploring down there herself before having sex (which she should!). It also depends on how much lubrication there is. I certainly didn’t cry! There wasn’t any pain for me the first time but due so some mishaps with bc side affects I have experienced pain during intercourse but.. come on! Women are built to handle far worse pain than that, we aren’t going to cry about it.
3. Totally depends on the girl! My first time I wanted sex just like a guy would (not because I was “in love”, it was something my body needed) I mean not all girls want to save it for “the one” but it’s best to find out what they want. Yes you should go slow and be aware that this is their first time and might be nervous or embarassed. And no girls don’t want virgin men…no one likes an awkward man but when girls are awkward let’s face it..it’s just cute.
4. Since I was 21 when I lost mine I don’t think they would have cared but they aren’t religous or anything. Anyway it’s none of the parents business what their daughter does with her body if she is of age and happy with it..that’s what I believe.
5. Breakups are never easy. Chances are she’s going to want to see what else is out there before you can even feel that her vagina is “old”. You better hope YOU don’t fall for HER cause she’s not going to want to marry the only man she’s ever been with.
S is a HOOOOAAAAHHH!!
If you’re the first, you won”t be the last, so, if you’re in love, you’re fucked
Well,i think our sexual lives shouldnt be taken away 4rm us.loosing our virginities means giving us our rights to enjoy our sexual lives.
So I have some talking to do. I am a virgin. I’ve masturbated before and used things that resemble the length of a d*ck. I have never bled before. Also, I have 89.com (a porn site) up right now. I know a magazine wrote this but come on, if you’re going to do a thing on virgins, at least get your facts right.
Ok I’m a girl, I think you’ve got a little confused about the facts here. If the girls you’ve slept with cried, it wasn’t because it hurt XD. Besides, my hymen didn’t break during sex, doing gymnastics and other fitness activities broke it, so it’s possible not to bleed first time with virgins. What about deflowering guys anyway? You left out the 5 worst things about deflowering guys. Number one being, they don’t know what they’re doing, there’s nothing less of a turn on than a guy that doesn’t know what to do with his penis when it matters.
Lol what’s with you guys anyway, you moan when you have sex with virgins cos they cry and bleed etc, and you moan when you’re with women who’ve done it before cos they’re all ‘whores’.
This writer is one of those guys who gives guys the bad rep of being dumb. The women who wrote in are totally dead on. I have plucked at least four flowers in my lifetime. Number one was an accident – both drunk at a party, she did not act virginal, bang bang and seriously stained sheets. I was back to the party and she was bitching to her friend that I just f*cked her and left. I did not find out until later she was a virgin or the messy sheets! Number two was a girlfriend who said she would not give it up until marriage. Well, she changed her mind! It sucked for me but was great according to her (and she still makes that claim 15 years later). She was very well lubricated but so tight I thought my d*ck was going to snap off. And she did not bleed at all. One other girlfriend I had bled every time we did it, and we did it A LOT! No discomfort for either of us and her doctor said it was OK.
I married the girl I deflowered, but wish I’d married the girl who wasn’t a virgin, but who was smarter and better looking. I now owe a million+ on a McMansion that’s worth $300,000 – $500,000 less than what I paid for it, we have a worthless, drug addict daughter, another daughter who’s face could stop a clock, a failing business, and my ‘virgin’ wife is not only no longer young, but she’s a nagging, whining, emotionally needy idiot who still thinks she should be able to shop at Nordstroms. I guess my siblings are having the last laugh because I cheated them out of their half of our father’s business. They, at least, were forced to develop marketable skills, while the only thing I know how to do is boss people around.
I also found out that the girl I turned my nose up at all those years ago has a daughter graduating from college soon, a happy marriage, and a successful career. Plus, she’s aged gracefully and knows how to handle money. I’m sorry I ditched her during a rough time in her life. I truly didn’t see the wonderful person she was underneath the troubled exterior, and I’m paying for it now. Had I married her, she’d have kept my kids on the right track and handled my finances much better than the spendthrifty cow I’m currently married to, who couldn’t wait to drop the girls off at Grandma’s or school so she could go to the Mall.
Guys, listen up! Don’t be the insecure man I was! I had to marry a girl only I had been with, and believe me, it was a bad idea 25 years ago, and an even worse one now. There are many facets to every person, virginity is only one of them, and shouldn’t be the only criteria you use when looking for a mate. Good luck.
Signed,
Big Time Regrets