How to Properly Attend a Porn Awards Show

Every red-blooded male’s dream is to be in a room full of porn stars. I—your trusty blogger have completed this mission by infiltrating a huge fancy porn award show for your benefit. This was my calling; this was my duty.

So here are a few fun things to do to properly attend a porn awards show.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Will it be a modern day Roman orgy, with performers reenacting high moments from their movies? Will you see a naked buttocks? Basically it’s just a bunch of nice folks (who happen to get boned on camera) letting their hair down for a fun, down-home night out, mixed with your average Joe-the-plumber mingling amongst those they’ve seen on DVD at home with their pants off.

DRESS AS A PORN STAR: Wear a ‘70’s Superfly pimp look with lots of bad cologne, tight polyester trousers with a sock stuffed down the front, open tuxedo shirt, many gold chains and tiger stripped bikini briefs (to feel the part deep-down inside). Have business cards printed that say, “Famous Porn Star.” Works every time…

MAKE BUSINESS CONNECTIONS: Go up to porn stars and telling them you are a porn producer and you are interested in producing a series of pornographic bowling movies. Show them your other business cards that says, Famous Porn Producer. This is called “networking.”

TAKE PICTURES WITH PORN STARS: That’s what they are there for. Porn stars are really unpretentious. (How can you be pretentious in a room full of people who have seen you penetrated in every orifice?) Porn stars love their fans. Most likely you can get them to expose various body parts in these photos. Do this often.

Harmon Leon is the author of The American Dream.