There are actually people out there, Americans, who actually make a living being a pet psychic—OVER THE PHONE! I sh*t you not. Let me clarify; they read your pet’s mind over the phone.

I—your trusty blogger–came across this ad:

“Ever wonder what your pets feel and what they have to say?” questions an ad featuring a smiley woman hugging her dog. “They are angels beside us in physical form. With telepathy, energetics, and intuition, I can help you clarify and understand.”

Just like Dr. Doolittle, this woman has the ability to have entire conversations with your pet—and charge you money—hard-earned money—in order to see where your pet’s head is at. A session will set you back a good $75 to $100.

In the state of our economy vengeance is needed. Thus, here are 5 ways to fuck with a pet psychic even if you are like me and don’t even own a pet (it’s much funnier if you don’t own a pet):

1. Ask the pet psychic if your fictional dog enjoys being dressed up in people clothes, such as funny hats, big sunglasses, sweaters, etc. Then suggest the pet psychic to talk to your dog and determine what other types of clothes they might like to wear.

2. Tell the pet psychic that your dog has a really good sense of humor and is always the life of the party. Then ask the pet psychic if they can speak to your dog and have it tell a joke.

3. Ask the psychic to ask your dog chewed up your slippers. While they explain hold the phone away from your face and make loud barking noises, then periodically scream at your fictional pet.

4. To make the psychic worker harder, ask how you and your pet like to spend your spare time together and what your favorite activity is? Have the psychic speak with your pet and go through a series of inane activities you suggest to see if your fictional dog would like them.

5. Suggest that you believe that your dog was President John F. Kennedy in a past life. Have the pet psychic talk to your pet and ask what it was like to be JFK and whether your pet had an affair with Marilyn Monroe.

(Image: petstellthetruth.com)