The Top 10 Most Unfunny Comedians of All Time
We’re not sure how they’ve done it, but by some dastardly karmic injustice these 10 a-holes have made successful careers for themselves as comedians by… being about as funny as putting your dog to sleep. For whatever idiotic reason, everyone went along with the shams long enough to make these people into celebrities. We’re not saying we could do their jobs better, we’re just saying it wouldn’t have been hard to find someone who could. So without further adieu – The Top 10 Most Unfunny Comedians of All Time.
Disclaimer: It’s no surprise that Dane Cook made this list – being that he’s such an amazing, incredible douchebag. However – in the spirit of full disclosure – we must admit that Dane Cook was on the cover of the print edition of COED Magazine in 2006. But that’s all in the past – from the days when COED was run by delusional idiots who wished they were Dane’s buffer boys. We’re not them.
#10 Carrot Top
Carrot Top is so unfunny, it’s a stretch to even call him a comedian. But since being a “comedian” is the only reason we know who this fiery red dickhead is, we couldn’t leave him off. As to why he’s not funny, Bill Hicks said it best: “Carrot Top is for people who didn’t get Gallagher.” And, as was usual with Bill Hicks, that’s exactly right.
While Gallagher was utterly obnoxious and about as funny as a baby with cancer, Carrot Top is the asshole copying that guy, and couldn’t even come up with material better than food smashing and sitting on a giant couch. Now he’s just more funny-looking than any joke he’s ever told. Guess that’s what happens when you turn into a ‘roid-riddled transvestite.
#9 Sinbad
We know this guy is a stand-up comedian. But does anybody remember his act – or “The Sinbad Show”? Us either. In fact, we can’t remember a single joke this dude has told since 1987. The only thing we do remember is his unnatural fondness of neon jumpsuits and the dangling pedophile earring that makes him look like a jungle-alien criminal. Besides that, it’s a wash. Our guess is that he’s only famous because he has a badass name and doesn’t scare white people. That’s 1994 for “funny”.
#8 Louie Anderson
Seeing fat people fall down – funny. Seeing fat people slapping each other – funny. Even dancing fat people are funny. Listening to a fat dude wheeze about how much it sucks to be fat – about as boring as a blow job from a Celine Dion impersonator.
On top of that, his voice makes you want to punch yourself in the face, sounding more like it’s coming out of Carrot Top’s asshole rather than Louie Anderson’s windpipes. How this guy managed to fill auditoriums, get his own show or move out of his parent’s basement is completely beyond us.
#7 Whoopi Goldberg
In general, Whoopi Goldberg’s audience are middle-aged soccer moms who love Walmart, cut their hair to look like 40-year-old fat dudes for the rest of their lives and think it’s subversive to philosophize about the subversity of mildly racist jokes. That’s not comedy. That’s just boring. Like Sister Act.
#6 Richard Lewis
Richard Lewis is everything that was wrong with the 1990′s embodied in a douchey hair-do and a dick face. Basically, all he jokes about is how much he sucks at life, which makes sense… considering how much he sucks at comedy. It’s like he’s just waiting for someone to tell him to shut the hell up. But instead, he does things like claim he coined the term “The [INSERT NOUN] from hell.” That’s like saying you invented the wheel or fire or nunchucks or “shut the F*CK up!”
#5 Judy Tenuta
Between her skin-crawl voice and embarrassingly bad act, we can’t decide what we hate most about Judy Tenuta. But something tells us it starts with an “a” and ends with “ccordion.” For some reason, nobody bothered to tell her that using the most annoying instrument on earth makes people hate you – or at best makes you look like a crazy b*tch with too many cats. We will say that we wouldn’t have minded seeing Judy, uh, sans accordion…and clothes. But that doesn’t exactly make us want to listen to her talk.
#4 Jimmy Fallon
Being a comedian is kind of like being a ventriloquist, except that instead of not being able to move your lips when you talk, you can’t laugh at your own jokes – especially when you’re not being funny. And as far as we can tell, Jimmy Fallon has built his entire career on doing exactly that. Now he’s going to be the host of the “Late Show” after Conan takes over for Leno.
There’s no way he’ll last at the “Late Show”. The New York Times said that “some media critics have already questioned how well [Jimmy Fallon] might fare as a late-night host, a job that has traditionally required a personality comfortable with playing himself every night.” Our prediction: if Jimmy Fallon actually plays himself, his hosting career will last one night, ending with Fallon crying himself to death from vicious self loathing and a nasty case of hair gel scalp burn.
#3 Kathy Griffin
We almost feel sorry for Kathy Griffin. But then she opens her mouth and starts making fun of celebrities you know she’d give her left t*t to be, and all that empathy goes out the window faster than her agent’s business card. I guess she assumed embracing the whole, “I am a sucky celebrity” thing would make us feel sorry for her more. But instead, it made us realize why Hollywood started having a D-list in the first place – to keep assholes like Kathy Griffin out of movies and off television – hint, hint…
#2 Carlos Mencia
I’m not sure what improbable and hellacious chain of events had to happen in order for this dude to become famous. Why, with so many talented people on this planet, did this asshole have to hit the freakin’ life jackpot?
Regardless, whoever’s making these things happen needs to be drowned as soon as possible. See, it’s not even that we don’t laugh at his corny, racist, un-clever jokes, it’s that he steals his jokes and then re-writes them into something so offensively terrible that we become nauseated before the word “Mexican” can escape his fat-f*cker face.
So please, Carlos – for all that is right and good and holy in this world, stop doing “comedy.” You gave it a shot, but it’s just not your thing. Sorry, buddy. It’s time to move on, and never infect us with your retardation ever – ever again.
#1 Dane Cook
We contemplated not including Dane Cook on this list. Not because he’s actually funny, but rather because he’s so monumentally horrible in so many ways, we figured it was better to just have the article run from 10-2, with #1 assumed from the outset. But when someone this talentless becomes this successful, pointing out that Dane Cook’s existence makes this a worse world in which to live seemed an unavoidable humanitarian duty.
Why? Simple – he steals jokes from Louis C.K.; he replaces punchlines with puking noise and leaping around the stage like an epileptic baboon; other comics hate him; and nothing he says is f*cking funny! We know he’s the highest selling comedian on the planet. But if you ask us, that’s just more proof that he’s a cheap hack – the McDonald’s of comedy. Please go away, Dane. Planet Earth will thank you.
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Oh, and Sinbad had his moments.
Whoever said "fuck Louis CK" needs to be educated. Watch his stand up videos on youtube, he shits on anything Dane has ever done on a nightly basis.
I hate Dane but I think he should be #2 to Carlos Mencia.
It pisses me off thinking how he made a career out of old racist stereotype jokes that are so unoriginal its ridiculous.
Dane Cook has probaly made a funny joke that was totally original before, and Mencia hasn't.
Look, I know that it's cool and everything to say Dane Cook isn't funny, but can I be the only one to honestly admit that he makes me laugh?
I'm not proud of myself for saying he's funny, and I'm not saying there's really anything special about his comedy routine, but I legitimately enjoyed his humour before it was social suicide to say so. Dane Cook is to comedy, what children’s movies are to cinema; they’re not complex, but they can still be a lot of fun to partake in.
I was swayed by all the critics saying that he was unfunny, and I heard it so much that I legitimately believed it. I hated Dane Cook for the longest time, and I even dismissed any of his newer routines. But you know, I can appreciate his humour now. Thanks to the critics, I can assess his comedy, and I can say that it isn't intelligent or well put-together. It’s not deep, but he still makes me laugh; and that’s what comedy is all about, right?
So before we start insulting Dane Cook, can we at least take a moment and figure out why?
I CAN'T BELEVE U REALLY PUT DANE COOK ON THIS LIST
I HATE U GUYZ
U DON'T KNOW FUNNY IF IT BIT U IN THE AZZ
JESUIS
GOD DANE COOK IS AWESOME
"Dane Cook has probaly made a funny joke that was totally original before, and Mencia hasn’t."
Incorrect. Not that he hasn't ever been funny, but you are incorrect that he has ever made a joke. He doesn't have any jokes. I've listened to a lot of his stuff, and it's basically just stories and setups, with no punchlines.
I agree with Dan though, I have definately laughed at some of his stories….but that doesn't make them jokes. And I don't think his stories are really any funnier than the funniest guy at just about any party. His delivery isn't great, the pointless visuals are…pointless…and the fact that he steals a lot of his material makes him pretty irrelevant in my opinion. But yes, some of his stories, if you can disassociate all of those things, are pretty funny. "My baby is crying" "Yeah, that's probably because he's on fire" made me laugh pretty hard *shrug*
Lewis Black deserves to be on here!!!!!! If making an angry rant about cliched things that piss everyone off, and even about stupid shit that pisses no one off can pass for comedy then everyone in the world could be a comedian I guess. Lewis Black is downright atrocious as a comedian. I would probably put him at the top of the list even. He doesn't even tell jokes, he just yells like a total douchebag.
I read the other day that Mr. Cook's brother stole millions from him. Why does he have millions to be stolen?
How did that happen?
http://asksistermarymartha.blogspot.com
Dane Cook as #1?
I like smoking crack rock as well.
Where's Jeff Dunham?
He should be #1 and Dane Cook should be #2.
What Kathy Griffin needs to realize is that if she were to sudden die tomorrow in a car wreck, the entire world would at best shrug it off and at worst smile a tiny bit.
She would not be missed in the least.
I agree with all listed cept Kathy Griffin..shes about the best
female in the buisness
You should have included Whoopis's pals Robin Williams and Billy Crystal also Howie Mandel Joe Rogan and Jay Mohr
Agree with the list, except for Kathy Griffin. Sorry, but she is funny as hell. I admit though, straight white men would probably not find her funny. But women like me, gay people, even 19 year-olds like my daughter love her.
I remember when Dane Cook was some unknown guy whose comedy special would air occasionally on Comedy Central.
He used to be funny back then.
Same thing with Jeff Dunham and Lewis Black.
It's a shame that once the comedian becomes insanely popular they lose their funny.
I'm not sure if Carlos Mencia was ever really funny, though. Had he decided to branch away from tedious, repetitive racist/stereotypical jokes, then maybe he'd be funny again.
((But I will admit that I watched Jeff Dunham's Christmas special and laughed when he said "poliosis".))
eat me. dane is funny.
this list alot ALL respect when i saw kathy
Pretty good list. I'd put Carlos as #1 and Dane at #2. I've never laughed at Carlos' comedy. Not even once. Dane on the other hand I can say I've laughed at about a total of 5 minutes collectively of his comedy. I just can't take him in large doses. Even before it was cool to hate him. I remember some of my friends were raving about his stand up, so I thought I'd try his new stand up dvd, Vicious Cycle. I didn't laugh at a single second of it, and my girlfriend fell asleep in the middle of it. I also remember all this hype for this one comedian, Todd Glass. I saw his stand up on Comedy Central and I thought it was god awful. I can't wait to see Louis CK in February in Philly. Fuck whoever said he wasn't funny.
where the fuck is bob saget the only funny thing hes ever done is got roasted
Um, why is DENNIS MILLER not on this list?? I've never not laughed so much in my life. A funeral would spark more merriment, god. I also agree that Jeff Foxworthy/Larry the Cable Guy suck major taint.
List incomplete. Please send back to factory.
Two words, Ralphie May. I never understood the thousands of slack jawed yokels packed into the theater cracking up over his jokes. I've never laughed at his jokes, ever.
Dane Cook isn’t funny. He’s hilarious. His movies stink, but his standup is funny as funny. And if you don’t like him so much, why do you keep talking about him? You are aren’t going to convince anyone who likes him to dislike him. What’s the point besides giving him free advertising. A better way to get rid of him would be just not talking about him. You can’t stop the D-TRAIN though. Dance Cook is the D-TRAIN.