How to Compete in the Amsterdam Olympics!

In the Amsterdam Olympics, there are no losers, only winners! In one of the major cities of sport—Amsterdam—you can prove superhuman feats of athleticism, with grueling sporting contests involving every possible debauchery the Red Light district has to offer – events illegal in our country, but perfectly accepted by our civilized cousins across the pond. Are you ready to face this extreme-sport action-challenge? Let the games begin!

OPENING TORCH CEREMONY

It’s time to inhale some culture! What better place to kick off the games than one of the city’s beloved coffee shops. You know, they serve “coffee” nudge-nudge wink-wink. At these beloved establishments, all types of pot and hash can be ordered right off of a menu. Just like McDonalds except they don’t ask if you “want fries with that”.

LIVE SEX SHOW EVENT

The first event involves seeing “live humans” on stage having sex. The challenge involves finding a show where the doorman looks the least sleaziest. I’m going to avoid places that advertises “Private Booths”. To me, “Private Booths” mean “sticky floors”.

BIATHLON

Next is a duo challenge. The first part involves drinking some blessed mushroom tea. The second part involves buying a stolen bike off of a junkie for under 20 Euros, then riding around the streets of Amsterdam until the imaginary bats that are attacking your head cause you to curl up in the fetal position behind a bunch of trash cans.

EQUESTRIAN EVENT

There wont be jumping over water with on a horse. But a horse is involved! This event shows mankind’s extreme love for the animal kingdom. Park your newly purchased stolen bike outside the Sex Museum of Amsterdam. Once inside, there are exhibits of standard stuff; sex through the ages artwork, toys, historical stuff. Towards the back is your Holy Grail – the bestiality exhibit. There’s a plaque. To paraphrase; having sex with animals is sinful for males, but is more natural for woman. Hmmmm?

BEDTIME EVENT

Prior to the onset of this last event, consume one very potent Space Cake. (This delicious delicacy, served at most Coffee Shops, is comprised of cake and hash.) After this quick “pick-me-up” snack, return to the Red Light district . Women, clad only in underwear, stand in red-illuminated windows, tapping on the glass like puppies in a pet store wanting a new owner. Inside, there’s a small bed and plenty of Kleenex. Some have curtains drawn, meaning the “rompy-stompy” is taking place. Most look like worn-out moms. The good-looking ones seem hardened. Choose wisely…

CLOSING CEREMONY

Drag yourself out of the drug and sex-fuled haze and make it to the airport before your plane leaves and you’ve successfully completed the Amsterdam Olympics! Now, just give yourself a pat on the back and start saving up for next year’s games.