As we all know, modern business is defined by rewarding failure. From the economic bailout plan to golden parachutes, nothing says “Congratulations on the gross misuse of the public’s trust” like extravagant rewards. In all of my research, I have found that only this industry rewards creative abuses with equally creative excess.

Taking full advantage of my creativity and propensity for excess, I have decided to start my job a little early. Keeping AIG’s corporate culture and leadership goals in mind, the following list contains the next 5 destination retreat sites for 2009 that are sure to piss of Congress even more than the others.

Please be sure, that when the American government is footing the bill, it is important to spare no expense!

5. At the Wild Dunes Resort in Isle of Palms, S.C., the “Dudes on the Dunes” package includes a round of golf and an in-room poker game with snacks and beer from a paltry $625 per person for two nights. Add to that bill, 5 strippers and a dealer – to up the total to $1000 per person for two nights. A package designed for the most decadent executive, deserving of some “alone time” with his buddies.

4. What better way to get your financial thieving mojo back, than to sit around trashy hot foreign hookers living the high-life in a third world country! That is why the country of Venezuela and the Margarita Islands exist. The trip is a rather exorbitant $2,000 per person, per day. But what you get for that price, is fit an AIG executive for sure. Though this trip is actually illegal in the United States, the beauty of an international company is the ability to leave from practically any port. What use is poker and golf, when tagging sleazy Venezuelan hookers is a gift that gives every day when you are able to pick up to 3 girls on a daily basis so that you never even have to pick the same girl 2 days in a row. This package is ideal for the AIG executive that has been f*cking the global market for years; this trip makes it possible for the f*cking to be a little more close and personal.

3. In 2008, AIG drove the US legislative system like cattle, convincing them to up the latest cash influx to over $50B total. It is about time that these well deserving insurance pioneers try driving cattle for real! The Powder River Cattle Drive touts, “You will experience long days in the saddle and a feeling of accomplishment when the day is done, the camaraderie of friends made, campfires, two-steppin’ cowboys, and scenery so spectacular it will make your eyes ache.” And at $2100 per person, the price is just about right for AIG.

2. Rubbing is racing when it comes to AIG’s abuse of the global market and financial system. It only makes sense that the AIG masters’ of speed and poor choices, roll with Jim Hall, at his renown racing school. The Jim Hall Kart Racing School is America’s most renowned karting school, now running at America’s newest road course. At the brand-new state-of-the-art facility near the coast in Southern California, Jim Hall Kart Racing School teaches aspiring racers, recreational thrill-seekers and corporate groups the skills and focus that define the world’s best racers. Come in and see why “MOTOR TREND” magazine chose Jim Hall Kart Racing School as one of the “49 cool car things to do before you die.” That is good enough for AIG! For $2500 per person, you get 40 driving sessions so you can maximize your time on the retreat thinking of more and more ways to bilk the US government of tax-payer funds.

1. If you have ever seen some of these AIG exec’s, then you know that they are not only soulless, but they are some of the homeliest looking assholes to ever live. For this reason, we at COED, have found them the perfect retreat spot. Hair Transplant Tours – Romantic Getaway! This is the ideal trip for the old, bald, douchebags at AIG.

“The concept of a hair health vacation tour is very simple and affordable. You simply take a wonderful and romantic vacation to the foreign destination of your choice. While you are there you take a little time out to explore the options and obtain the hair loss restoration, replacement, transplant or treatment of your choice. Since health care costs in these countries are dramatically more affordable than in the United States and other western countries, you will save substantially while receiving some of the most qualified and professional (arguably superior) care and treatment procedures available anywhere in the world. When you return home you will be feeling fantastic since you have just enjoyed a great experience and obtained the professional solution you wanted for your hair loss concerns. You will have also enjoyed meeting hundreds of beautiful marriage minded women and a trip to a wonderful foreign destination. Very possibly, you will return home having met a very special woman that offers the opportunity for a loving, lifetime relationship. Better yet, your overall cost all inclusive can turn out to be the same or even less than if you stayed home and paid the price for your hair restoration procedure there. There is no other vacation opportunity like it offered anywhere in the world.”

At the cost of up to  $50,000 per person, this is more of the speed of the average AIG executive!