It’s indisputable: “Riverbottom Nightmare Band” is not only the greatest Christmas song of all time, but the greatest song of all time, period.

I’m not even joking: check the heavy as f*** main riff, 70’s glam-rock moves and of course, the most bad-a** lyrics and melodies ever penned by puppets. This makes stoner-rock groups like Black Sabbath and Deep Purple sound like Smash Mouth by comparison.

So what if the lyrics don’t deal directly with Christmas. Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas, the movie the song is featured in, is a holiday movie; it’s festive by default. And it totally destroys Emmet’s entry into the talent show, the lame-o “In Our World/Brothers.”

Check out the mind-blowing lyrics after the jump!

River Bottom Nightmare Band

We take what we want
We do anything that we wish
We got no respect
For animal birdy or fish

The grass does not grow
On the places where we stop and stand
River Bottom Nightmare Band

We know we’re a mess
But I does not like to be clean
We don’t brush our teeth
‘Cause our toothache can help us stay mean

We don’t wish to learn
But we hate what we don’t understand
River Bottom

When you see us comin’
You better startin’ runnin’
We’re always startin’ trouble
And we’re happiest when things are outta hand

Rivers are for boilin’
Parties are for spoilin’
We either like to sit and pout
Or else go out and terrorize our land
River Bottom Nightmare Band

We laugh in your face
Or we practice our growl and our sneer
We break up your place
We are dangerous when we are near

And when we are done with our song
Who will get the biggest hand?
Who?
River Bottom Nightmare Band!
River Bottom Nightmare Band!