Held Down By an Ape, Mauled to Death By a Liger

Last night, my friend Jane told me the craziest f**king sh*t I’ve ever heard. In fact, I doubt what I’m about to tell you has ever happened before in all of history. But I must say, this story’s not for the feint of heart. So unless you think incredibly horrible things happening to super dumbasses is gut-bustingly hilarious, I’d recommend you stop reading right now. Otherwise, your mind is about to be blown.

A few of my friends and I were sitting around my apartment, throwing back a few, watching the Jets and Patriots do battle, when somehow we got to talking about wild animals.

“So my Uncle Jim used to own a safari park in the woods,” Jane chimed-in. “And he was killed by a liger.”

“What? How? Why?!” I hollered, stunned as my attention pulled away from a Favre touchdown pass.

“Well -  I think he owned a construction company – he just had a whole bunch of animals because he was a rich redneck and he could,” she said, holding up her hands palms up like, ‘What could you do?’

“He would go to a bunch of exotic animal auctions that were run by the Mennonites. I went to one when I was 12 or 13. These Amish-looking dudes would carry monkeys around on their shoulder. And once, I accidentally touched a monkey penis that was sticking through a hole. But anyway…He would go to these things all the time and buy all types of animals.”

“He would just go there and buy them?…Wait, The exotic animal auction was run by Mennonites?? You touched a monkey penis through a glory hole? “

By this time I was on the edge of my seat, everyone had stopped watching the game. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. A monkey d*ck? Mennonites? I thought they just farmed…Apparently they also trade in giant dangerous exotic animals. What the hell was going on here?

“Yes, yes, NO!, I though it was a finger ,” Jane continued. “Anyway, he’d have to get licenses for some of them first. But he did, so he bought them.”

“I can’t believe this is legal. What kinds did he have?”

“All kinds – he had monkeys, bears, deer – lots of deer. Wolves, they were cool. Ostriches, boars, buffalo, zebras, peacocks…He had a lion.”

“Holy sh*t! So this was a full-on zoo he on his property. Now what happened to your uncle?”

“Well one day, my other Uncle Steve came over to help his brother, Uncle Jim fix one of the doors on the big animal cages. In the cage next to the one he was fixing was his liger. I’m telling you, this thing was f**king huge.”

“Jesus. He had a freakin’ liger? What the hell is a liger?”

“A liger is the hybrid of a male lion and a female tiger – 60-percent bigger than a tiger, and a lion’s smaller than that. I said this thing was big.”

“F**k. Why the hell would he buy a thing like that?”

“He just did. He thought it was cool. He was kinda a dumb son-of-a-bitch.”

“Well, it is pretty cool – but that’s just asking for something bad to happen.” I said, contemplating running into an F’ing liger in the woods of rural Ohio.

“I’m getting to that. Uncle Jim was fixing the cage from the inside, and somehow a door between his cage and the liger’s cage opened. He ran into the hallway where there was a steel door in the middle, to the other set of cages – that way you didn’t have to run down the entire hallway if something went wrong…

“But right next to the door – which was really hard to open for some dumbass reason – was this ape, like one they have in the circus. My uncle played with the ape a lot, and the ape thought my uncle was playing when he ran past his cage, so he reached out and grabbed Uncle Jim, pinning him against the bars. And then the liger ran up and mauled him to death.”

“Um, what? WHAT?!,” we all yelled.

“So let me get this straight,” I said. “Your uncle was pinned down by an ape and mauled to death by a liger?”

“Yeah,  Uncle Steve shot it with a  .22 thirty eight times before it stopped. It was so f**king big.”

After a long pause, we all burst out laughing.