Presidential Candidates on the Fringe

The mainstream media is biased, but not just in terms of Left or Right. See, the only candidates in the presidential race that are getting any coverage are the McCain/Palin and Obama/Biden tickets. But did you know that our country has way more than just Republicans and Democrats?

Sure, we all know about the Green and Libertarian parties, but there are plenty of other crazy bastards who have thrown their names in the hat as viable candidates for the White House. So, to make sure we have the most informed audience out there, COED is proud to present to you, the Presidential Candidates on the Fringe.

Jack Grimes
If you’re tired of thinking for yourself and want someone to make decisions for you then vote for Jack Grimes of the United Facist Union. Clad in his trademark Roman Centurion helmet, Mr. Grimes (or Grimey) wants to establish a totalitarian, corporate state in the tradition of such leaders as Saddam Hussein and Mussolini. How could you not vote for this guy? Jonathon Sharkey
The Religious Right and Secular Left better watch out because Jonathon Sharkey is running on the Satanist/Pagan platform. Dubbed “The Impaler” by his friends, Mr. Sharkey’s experience as a First Vampire General rivals both Sarah Palin’s Governorship and Barack Obama’s days as a Community Organizer. And obviously, he has way more experience with impaling, so that can only be a bonus, really.

Gene Amondson
Gene Amondson is fighting for your right to NOT party, as the Prohibition Party’s nominee. A pastor and wood carver, Amondson’s platform is to reinstate the most dismal failure in law enforcement history, and get this country back on the wagon. And ladies he’s single…

Charles O. Baldwin
If you’re against the war and secession is your thing then Charles O. Baldwin is your candidate. Baldwin is a conservative Christian who believes abortion is murder, homosexuality deserves no protection under the law, and most of all that the South was right in the Civil War. (Correction: ‘War Between The States’) Despite glorifying a system that was based around slave labor, Baldwin is not a racist. He merely wants the South to rise again and to smash the conspiracy of elitists and big business that are stealing America’s independence, duh. Is that so wrong?

And last, but certainly not least, Santa Claus. Born one Thomas O’Connor, Santa’s campaign draws attention to the light of abused and neglected children by streamlining adoption and improving coordination among state child protection services. So sex offenders watch out – we’re looking at you, Tampa, FL. As for an economic policy, tax breaks for the nice and increases for the naughty.

Now that we’ve highlighted the various fringe party candidates it’s up to you, the voter, to make an informed decision on whom you want as your next president. So get out there and vote!