In case you’ve never heard of it, the Kama Sutra is a book and I’ve lost some of you right at the word ‘book,” haven’t I? Wait, wait … let me finish. The Kama Sutra is a book about sex. Welcome back, my friends, welcome back. Written in a year I can’t remember, by a guy whose name I can’t spell (and am not going to look up), the Kama Sutra is today still considered one of the foremost guides on how to have sex. And if that wasn’t enough, there are pictures. Dirty pictures. Lots and lots of dirty pictures.

But what, you’re probably asking yourself, do the Kama Sutra and college have in common? That’s a good question indeed.

There are three sections to the Kama Sutra but only four years in college. Coincidence? Hardly. Poor math skills by a comedy writer who’s borderline retarded? Much more likely. But if you took the Kama Sutra and college life and mixed them together in say, a humorous article, I think you’d get something like this. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the “College Sutra.”

Freshman Year: The Lonely Crab

(Touching Yourself)

• Includes: Well, for guys it includes frantically slapping your own naughty bits while spread-eagle on your dorm-room floor before your roommate walks in on you. For females, I have no idea what this entails, as it seems that working the southerly region is like reading Sanskrit.

How to do it: Quickly, often, and with as little lingering shame as possible.

Why it’s good for her: Let’s be honest here, this is probably the most satisfied you’ll ever be.

Why it’s good for him: Something to do in between games of Madden.

Sophomore Year: The Steady Tortoise

(Good Old Fashioned Intercourse)

• Includes: The kind of sex you have when you’ve been in a relationship for a while. Not really all that exciting anymore, but hey, at least you don’t have to masturbate to reruns of The Hills, right?

How to Do it: You should be able to do this in your sleep…and probably are.

Why it’s good for her: It’s comfortable, but probably not that exciting.

Why it’s good for him: You mean I really don’t have to masturbate to The Hills tonight? Giddyup!

Junior Year: The Tender Panther

(Making Love)

•Includes: Sex in front of a roaring fire, sex on a moonlit beach, sex on a bed covered in rose petals, etc.

How to do it: Slow and tenderly, but with the lights off. My God, be sure to keep the lights off.

Why it’s good for her: It’s the consummation of the ultimate relationship. Two souls, two bodies, coming together as one. The absolute purest and most powerful gesture of love.

Why it’s Good for Him: No condom.

Senior Year: The Drunken Master

(Straight-up Bedroom Romp)

• Includes: One-night stands, booty calls, drunken hook-ups with an ex, etc.

How to do it: Hard and fast and with as little human emotion as humanly possible. Pretend you’re German, Amish or a robot.

Why it’s good for her: No strings attached, no commitments’just pure carnal bliss (or, more accurately, deciding if you should sneak out or try to fall asleep next to someone who just finished way, way, way before you did)

Why it’s good for him: Anonymous sex in a hotel bathroom? It’s like Christmas and your birthday rolled into one!