It was such an exciting time in my life. Turning eighteen, a monumental event for one reason – I could buy porn. Yes, I could also buy cigarettes and lotto tickets but those aren’t nearly as fun.

What makes me think of this was something that happened yesterday. I was in Borders, over in the men’s magazine section, which happens to be right next to the porn section. No big deal. As I was browsing, these three teenagers come over to the porn and start acting like they have never seen a pair of t*ts in their lives. “Oh man, catch out these boobs.” What tools!

But then, it got me thinking, did I act like that when I was younger? Obviously the answer is no because I wasn’t a tool – or maybe not, who knows?. But it did inspire me to come up with a few pointers for anyone new to buying porn. Follows these rules when you are buying dirty magazines so that you can avoid being “one of those guys.”

Check out How to Buy Porn after the jump!

Rule 1: Know Where You Are Going
You can buy porn at gas stations, bookstores, some grocery stores, and of course, sex shops. I once went on a sex shop hunt and couldn’t find one in my area. I even resorted to calling information and asking for a sex shop listing. They thought it was a joke and hung up on me. Eventually I found one (but that trip is for another time.)

Rule 2: Be Cool
When one wants to purchase porn they should be calm and composed. Chill and relaxed. It’s just porn, not an illegal drug or something you could arrested for having (unless you are underage or in Mississippi). There is no reason to be embarrassed because the chances of the cashier caring about what you buy are slim to none. They may make the usual comment, “have a nice/good night.” If that happens, say, “Thanks, I will. You too.” Then leave. Don’t stay and chat – then you’re just getting weird about it.

Rule 3: Avoid Rush-hour
If you think you might get embarrassed, wait until later in the evening to go and purchase your “dirty magazines.” It has never happened to me, but imagine if you were buying porn and you ran into an old lady from your neighborhood, a professor, or another student. Go late enough and you should avoid this all together, and if you do run into someone weird, chances are they are buying the same exact thing.

Rule 4: Have Your ID
You must be eighteen to buy porn. To avoid being hassled by the clerk, have your id ready and money out. Also, porn can be pricey so stop off at the ATM first or remember your credit. If your parents pay your credit card, I would suggest you use cash, just in case they decide to read it the statement and you don’t want them knowing that you’re into red-head gang-bangs, or whatever.

Rule 5: Go Solo
Buying porn is something you should solo alone- nobody else wants to know what sick crap you’re developing tastes lead you to buy. Plus, what you use porn for is usually done solo, so why not make the whole trip by yourself?

That is all the wisdom I can share when buying porn. To recap – the cashier doesn’t care, bring your ID and cash and don’t be embarrassed, its just porn.