Who has it Worse: US Investment Banker or Somali Pirate?

In this, our global economy, everything is a matter of perspective.

At this moment, there are two distinct groups of people looking at each other wonder how the F*%K they got themselves into this situation, and moreover – how are they going to get out. Their situations are grave, and the future of their lives and livelihoods hang in the balance.

As if fate had deemed it necessary to pull these polar opposites together, the world now finds US Investment Bankers and Somali Pirates in the same “boat” – so to speak.

Once heralded as one of the most sought-after, prestigious and financially rewarding jobs, investment bankers (especially in the US) had been the jealous envy of every tax payer in the known world. What now? They are villains and the bane of the global monetary system. Their greed has brought about the largest stock market point drop in history and has left the US government in disarray over what the best long/short-term solution is, and which should get priority.

Investment bankers could still keep their obese 6-figure jobs if the bailout/rescue/whatever the media calls it – is paid out. Essentially, no matter how this ends, people will hate anyone associated with every company involved in bringing about this financial apocalypse for generations to come.

You think life in the US is dicey right now, imagine living in a country where life sucks so bad that getting into a 19 foot boat with 400 horsepower engine with a rocket launcher seems like a pretty good career choice. The life of a Somali Pirate is a challenging yet somewhat less rewarding and not an exact science. For example, there you are, cruising around the African coast and you see a Ukranian freighter. Jackpot!

Who doesn’t love caviar and Slavic women? Oh wait – the ship in question is carrying Russian tanks, armor piercing rounds made out of weapons grade Uranium…DOAH! In the immortal words of that old knight from Raiders of the Lost Ark – “You have chosen…POORLY!” Ironically, these pirates are only looking for a $20M bailout, but have a better chance of being adopted by Brad and Angelina. They are currently being surrounded by 3 US Naval Warships, 2 US Submarines and 1 Russian Friggate with enough firepower to eradicate most of Africa. In short – they are proper f*%ked.

Who is it Worse to be?