God Hates My Fantasy Football Team

So I got the 5th pick in my draft this year. I was poised and ready to go, but like any draft I only got half of the guys I wanted. Among my top picks were Brady, Young (as a back up), Alge Crumpler, Dante Stallworth, Javon Walker, Joseph Addai, Dallas Clark, and Laurence Maroney.

Then God struck.

All of the above been smited down by the almighty, except for Maroney – who was smited down by Bill Belichick. PLAY HIM YOU BASTARD!!! Screw Sammy Morris and put him in the game…AHHHHHH!!!!! …whewh…ok…

I understand Bilichick being a douche to me, but why you God? Why not strike down mediocre players who strut too much or talk too loud. So, Lord, here are my suggestions…

1. Chad Ocho Cinco: You have got to be f*cking kidding me. This guy is DARING You to strike him down. He changed his name to the Ppanish translation of his jersey number! You burned down Sodom and Gomorrah for anal – but You let this dude mock the entire tradition of football? Are You starting him this week or something?

2. Mike Nugent: When a kicker walks around the sidelines and says he is unable to kick – You as God, have a moral and ethical obligation to hit him with lightning. Period. If a kicker can walk, he can kick. That was bullsh*t and You and I both know it. They had the back-up quarterback warming up to kick for Your-sake!

3. Ricky Williams: He took all of his money to go smoke up and probably bang boys in Thailand, only to come back when he spent everything – looking for a second chance. Now, he walks upfield. Put a fire under his ass or something – literally if you have to.

4. Dwayne Bowe: This dumbass has haunted me for years! They always tout him in the preseason that this will be his breakout year – and he never does jack! His 40 time is ridiculous, good hands, but no drive. I thought you don’t like it when people don’t live up to their potential! NO DOUBLE STANDARDS, DAMMIT!

5. The Kansas City Offensive Line: Larry Johnson should probably be burned with them, but I have never seen a larger group of unmotivated people in my life. It is sad, not for their sakes, but because they’re going to get players around them killed. LJ, though whiny at times, is a talented SOB who needs anyone to block for him. The fact that he was shut down like that last week is silly. He should be up there in points with LT every week. Do something already!!!!

Who should God Smite first?