A New Jersey man was arrested for impersonating Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain in order to gain free bagels and some celebrity va-jay-jay – allegedly over 100 girls in fact.

COED was unable to interview the perpetrator, Ryan Ward, but this is how we’d imagine he’d answer if we asked him what was going through his mind during his run as the faux Joba:

“Finding the right celebrity to rip off of is difficult. I’m not remotely good looking so that rules out movie star. I’ve never really been considered cool, which nixes rock star. I wanted to be an athlete but I’m sort of fat and slobbish, thus ruling out any real sport let alone being mistaken for having any athleticism. Being a baseball player was the clear choice.

“I mean, it’s not even a real sport for god sakes. Given all the qualifications mentioned, I could have been anyone on the Red Sox. I once said on was on the Mets but people just threw rocks at me. But I gotta say, Jersey’s such a tough market as there are so many other complete hacks willing to milk other people’s successes.”

Check out the video after the jump!