5 Awful Sleeping Habits of a Random Hook-up

Being the sexually active, irresponsible college student that I am, I’ve gone home with my fair share of random girls, and over the past couple of years I’ve come across some sleeping habits that annoy the hell out of me. Nothing is worse than having a peaceful night’s sleep ruined by your hookup’s uncontrollable unconscious tendencies.

These night time nuisances can also lead to a couple of sticky situations. If you’re at her place you can always leave, but what if you’re miles from home and it’s four in the morning and you don’t feel like walking and don’t have the number for a cab? What do you do then? And if you’re at your place how should you handle it? Do you wake her ass up and hope she doesn’t start again when she falls back to sleep, or can you just kick someone out at that point? Is it really that mean if you call and pay for a cab? There’s also the high road; sacrifice your night’s sleep, suck it up and wait for morning when she’ll wake up and leave on her own.

The worst part is, you can’t look at a person and guess that these are coming, no matter the size, shape, or color of the girl anyone could potentially be an awful bed partner, and rarely do they warn you that something might be coming. That should be a common courtesy, like warning someone that you have HPV.

But I digress. Anyway, here are five habits that annoy me more than most:

1) Snoring

This is pretty standard, a lot of people do it (at least a little), but it’s still annoying as f**k. A little snuffly sleep noise can be cute in a weird way from some girls, and rarely will something that quiet wake you up, but there are those girls who run chainsaws, turn into Chewbacca, or race funny cars the whole night. I’ve tried rolling the girl onto her side, and sometimes that helps a little, but it never seems like enough. I woke one up once, but she started right where she left off thirty seconds after she fell back to sleep. I’m considering carrying Breath Right strips along with a condom whenever I go to the bar so I’m prepared for damn near anything.

2) Kicking

This one is just absurd. I’m not just talking about someone who moves around a lot in their sleep and bumps into you once in a while, I mean full power free kicks from David Beckham. You know how you can tell when a dog is dreaming because it looks like it’s trying to run in its sleep? Well, it turns out that some people do that too. If you ever come across this one I recommend either constructing some sort of barricade between yourself and Bruce Lee, or finding somewhere else to sleep; the floor, a couch, maybe the closet. If you don’t you’re going to get your ass kicked, or maybe you’ll just end up on the floor anyway.

3) Talking

A little sleep conversation never hurt anyone, a few words spoken here and there can actually be funny, but I’m not talking about the funny version. I’m talking about the talking that goes on and on and involves some sort of unconscious argument. Maybe I’m talking about sleep shouting, and not talking, but I’m pretty sure they fall under the same category. There are few things more disorienting than waking up to yelling that turns out to be complete gibberish, especially when it’s directed at you and it seems like the shouter is waiting/expecting some kind of response. From my experience, “Go back to sleep,” is rarely the right response.

4) Teeth Grinding

Marbles rubbing together, crunching gravel, rocks scraping glass. Those are a couple ways I’d describe the sounds that are produced when people try to chew their teeth apart. There are actually a number of variations of sound that this dental damage can produce; delicate nuances that only the finest ear can detect, but they all give me goose bumps and make the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I’m not sure if this one grosses me out or annoys me more, but those sounds are worse than nails on a chalkboard to me. My solution has always been to wake the person up and make the sound stop as quickly as possible. More often than not it’ll happen again, but I’m not opposed to waking a person up more than once.

5) Blanket Stealing

It states quite clearly in the 10 Commandments, “Thou shalt not steal.” I don’t think Moses or God could have made that one any clearer. So it makes perfect sense that waking up without any covers annoys me more than anything; it’s an affront to God. Coming to in a strange bed with a dim recollection of how you got there is bad, but throw in mild hypothermia and we’re talking about one of the worst nights ever. One of the few benefits of sleeping with your clothes on is that it makes blanket hogs a little more tolerable, but only a little. The sheets are supposed to cover the whole bed; they’re not supposed to be wrapped around a single person eight times in some sort of bondage burrito.

(Image source: Flickr)