Taking Her Virginity: A Guy’s Biggest Fear
July 30, 2008 Posted in Sex
I was a bit late when it came to losing my V-Card. Almost every one of my friends handed that thing in long (and I mean looong) before me. It wasn’t that I was waiting for loooooove, or saving myself for marriage; it was just that I had never had a boyfriend and wasn’t ready to give it up to some rando from a frat party.
I wasn’t all loud-and-proud about my virgin status and I wasn’t ashamed. I just was.
When I finally did find myself in a good relationship I decided it was time to wipe the cobwebs off the V-Card and hand that sh*t in. Ok, so maybe I didn’t treat the situation with such ease, but I did finally feel comfortable enough with someone to take the naked plunge.
I thought it was best to tell the guy straight up. I really wanted to be honest with him so he knew where I was coming from…and why it was so damn painful. So, when he began to initiate sex a little while into our relationship I laid it all on the table.
“I just want you to know that I have never been in a real relationship before.” I began.
He looked bored.
“And because I’ve never had a boyfriend before, I have also never had sex before. But I want to have sex with you.”
He stared at me…blankly.
“Ooooook, but I don’t want you getting all attached.”
Yeah. He actually said that. At first I was angry – I mean, seriously? That is all he could come up with to say? Not, “Ok, I will go slow,” or, “I can’t believe you – so hot, sexy and awesome – have never been in a relationship before!” But, no – all he could say was, “Don’t get all annoying on me.”
And what makes him think that the physical act of sex – putting the P in the V – is going to change the way I feel about him? I am not some weepy girl. I am not going to expect a ring on my finger just cuz we got frisky in the bed (and on the kitchen table). Our relationship was not going to be any different the next morning, beyond the obvious post-sex glow/giant breakfast.
But then I realized something: maybe his reaction isn’t really his fault? I know this boy – well – and I know he is not some insensitive prick. I mean, yes, he was a total jerkwad, but guys have always been shown/told/taught that sex changes everything for a woman. That sleeping with someone takes things to another level. And taking someone’s virginity (especially when they are so much older than “normal”) only means more emotional attachment.
He wasn’t trying to be a scumbag – he really just didn’t understand.
Guys are totally afraid of virgins. They really think that all girls are waiting for love to hop into bed and are planning the wedding/house in the suburbs/2.5 kids after the first night of passion. And we all know that is not true. I am sure there are some girls out there that do want those things (I do….eventually), but there are also plenty of girls who just want trust and comfort in their first partner. Maybe girls wouldn’t place so much emphasis on it if guys weren’t always making such a big deal.
Having a V-Card isn’t always such a big deal to a girl; why does it have to mean so much to a guy?
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It really is most guys thing to want to be the one to gladly punch your vcard. Every man dreams of doing it at one point in his life, being the first P in this particular amazing girls V, as you would say. The thing we don't want is the offshoot chance that she will totally go schizo on you after you take it. haha. Therefore he didn't say the things someone would normally say. He wanted to make sure that you weren't one of the crazies. haha.
Here's the thing, sex does change everything. The fact that you didn't want to give it up to some random frat guy acknowledges that. You didn't say "Hey, this is my first time go easy", you put the emphasis on sex=relationship, so why wouldn't he respond that way?
It's funny, but pulling out the 'V Card' could sometimes warm a scumbag's heart-at least make him more human. Happened to me.
I think many gals have been here at least once: Be so into a guy that everyone else knows is a straight up asshole/dickbag/he-ho/etc. The quintessential 'bad boy' who makes your heart pump while making your best friend's skin crawl. Anyway, on the night all the nasty things were to commence, I drop the V bomb and Mr. Baddass became a punkass. Lol! Now, of course looking back I appreciate his apprehension about being"…the Big Bad Wolf fucking Little Red Riding Hood…" (his words, honest). If I was a slutbucket, it would have been different. Hell, he gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me to give 'it' to someone more worthy. We became cool friends after that.
Well to be honest, he was a douche for saying it like that, but he had valid fears. I know just because you 'are not like that' (as most women say when faced with this shit) doesn't mean that a large majority of women are not like that. Women get attached, and I mean ATTACHED once sex has taken place, at least in the case of late high-school / early college women, it has less and less effect as the women get older. Fact is your guy had fears that most men wouldn't express because they wouldn't want to fuck up getting some pussy, and the fact he said anything (all be it in a moronic way) is actually kind of commendable.
I think it's just important to have a clear understanding of the relationship before sex ever occurs. Too many people lead themselves into sex without clarifying their own (and even more their partner's) feelings. If you weren't in love before sex, then you should not be in love the next day. If you didn't know shit about that person before you got nasty then sex won't fill all of those holes (just the physical one). Stop pretending that sex is a cure-all and virginity won't make as much of a difference.
The thing is that girls really do get attached after they lose their v-card. If you are the first person to be with a girl, they simply don't have the experience of a relationship, and that could lead them to misunderstanding a lot of things. You don't want to be the guy to garner that sort of attachment.
Personally I think afraid is the wrong word here. I would rather be with a Virgin for a number of reasons the least of which isn't that it's safer. Moreover, for me, its a territorial thing; if she's a virgin then I know that no one else has punched her card. Boldly going where no one else has gone before if you will. Obviously it does have its cons as well, among them, she'll probably less willing to try stuff and you'll have to coach on how to do some of the more common stuff whereas with an experienced woman you're good to go. Regardless afraid is the wrong word.
i agree with crunchy. it depends on the status of the relationship, as far as how attatched you get, and people need to clarify their feelings. i have friends that lost their virginity with a guy they werent dating, and they didnt freak out, get messed up, or get attatched. on the other hand, when speaking of myself, i lost it to a guy i was already dating… so duh there were feelings involved, i wouldnt be dating someone i felt nothing for, that would be a total waste of my time. i think it really depends on the status of the two people, and that women arent ingrained to automatically be attatched once it happens.
that said, even if the woman isnt interested in a relationship, im surprised guys would want to take the v-card. its really not all that great the first time, with the words "ouch" or "stop" having a high potential of occuring. but whatever, to each their own.
Guys fear virgins because they don't want to have psychobitches in their lives after the sex. Imagine this: You didn't fully enjoy the experience because the girl who gladly passed you her v-card doesn't know a thing how to pleasure you. She cries when you put it in. The bed is stained with frigging blood and while having sex, your conscience (if you have 1) is bugging you for 'deflowering' a delicate woman. Then, you days after her first time she starts demanding that you call her regularly or that you spend time with her everyday. Sheessshhh. All that trouble for a V-card? Damn, no way Jose.
I salute to your boyfriend for being honest enough to say what most men can't tell virgins.