The Gecko-Roach Solution: Step One–Buy Lizards

My brother, Aaron and I live together in a make-shift two bedroom apartment. Half the time, our place is nice and tidy. The other half, a layer of beer cans, cigarette butts, whisky, grape Kool-aid, various pork products and dog hair covers most surfaces. You could say we’re not so good in the house-keeping department, but it’s not that we don’t want it clean, it’s that we don’t care enough to do it.

Because of this shared character flaw and a festering pile of dishes, we’ve developed an unfortunate roach problem. The little f**kers are everywhere. It grosses us out (kinda)–and, more importantly, grosses out our girlfriends. Sure, we’ve tried your standard roach traps, poisons and the dude with a tank on his back, who sprays a chemical that makes your eyes feel like they’re on fire. But that sh*t doesn’t work.

So we’re going to do what we’ve been wanting to since living under the same roof: unleash an army of geckos (yes, lizards) to deal with the roaches, while we maintain our our clean-free (and better, I would argue) lives.

Early on, we realized we needed something in the evolutionary chain between the cockroaches and Cash, my black Labrador retriever–because he wouldn’t eat them, and we don’t like cats. So geckos seemed our only hope. Oh yeah, and it’d be f**king hilarious.

Coincidentally, yesterday evening I came across this article, which recommends the gecko technique–all the verification we needed to push our stupid idea into action. Actually, it says that they might breed incessantly and become more the problem than the solution, which brings us to…

Some possible outcome predictions:

-We create a super-colony of voracious lizards that become more of a problem than the roaches: Chances are, this won’t happen. Why? Because we don’t want it to, damnit. And that would take a while anyway, so whatever. Lizards are cool. (Oh yeah, and we’re only going to release geckos of the same sex. Yeah, that’s it…) And if nothing else, there’s got to be an animal that eats lizards…
-The lizards disappear immediately: This is the most likely outcome. We live in a giant building with many holes and open windows. It’s not like they’ll feel any need to stay around.
-We never get laid: If they do stick around, this is highly likely. But sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And no, we haven’t told them, yet…Oh, woops.
-Dog vs. Lizard: Cash might leap around a bit, and bark at them. But I know he won’t hurt them, the wuss. Plus, he’s too slow and lazy. No competition to the wily gecko.

To make sure we didn’t pu**y-out on the idea, last night Aaron threw me his credit card, and we immediately ordered five “house geckos” from ReptileCity.com. The lizards grow to between four and six inches long, and only cost five bucks. (Some of the reptiles run over $100.) The shipping was a little expensive, but it’s not like live animals can survive UPS ground. According to our Reptile City receipt, they’ll be here within a week.

This solution may seem extreme, but that’s what this roach problem calls for. So stay tuned for next time, and we’ll let you know how it goes.