OMG! Brett Favre Jst Txt Me!!!

This nonsense with Brett Favre has GOT to stop. Every morning, I wake up to Mike and Mike on ESPN2 HD (bitches!), and for the past five and a half years I’ve had to listen to them fawn over each and every move this sub-par dude makes. This guy’s pulling a Ross Perot/Michael Jordan times eighty, playing with the emotions of not only Packers fans but the entire GD NFL and, yes, maybe even the universe. Saturn even called, it’s lost like 8 rings from the stress.Favre’s latest maneuver–a text message to a Packers exec who happened to be on vacay–was national headline news for several days. DAYS! HEADLINE NEWS! LOUD NOISES!

First of all, when did Brett morph into a 15 year old girl on her period? Second, since when did text messaging get treated like legitimate news? This is f**king high school gossip! This would cause major waves if it was a sorority board meeting but cripes and crackers, it’s a damn NFL “legend” who’s traded quips with Warren Sapp and once had a mysterious orb-shaped egg thing protruding from his rib cage for an entire season. This is a guy who lost his father then went out and torched the Raiders. I couldn’t even brush my teeth after my dad passed…gas.

Favre’s high school stunt isn’t the first text message press-grabber, it seems nine out of ten text-related news stories coming from the NFL are about T.O. This dude texts more than the Olsen Twins and the cast of The Hills combined. This is a dude who sent his coach a text saying he didn’t get the ball enough. Maybe because Bledsoe had to text him to look for the ball when he threw it. Audibles were a total bitch for Bledsoe (especially without T9) and I’m pretty sure they caused him arthritis forcing him to retire.

T.O.’s disease was so contagious it infected Tony Romo, who after botching a snap on a potential game-winning field goal in a playoff game against the Seahawks in 2007 text his teammates, “I’m sorry.” Apology texts are saved for when you get to hungover to go to a brunch the next day, not for blowing a chance to go to the Super Bowl. Dallas should get rid of T.O. simply on the grounds that he’s gone over his alotted text message limit each month since joining the team (even after changing to the Family Plan). This guy treats text like I treat sex (shiz, I should be a rapper). Casually.

Remember his squabble with McSlob? McFlab sent T.O. a text after he was hospitalized for an OD and T.O. claims he never received then didn’t send McCrap a text when the Philly QB went on IR. Two grown-ass men couldn’t pick up the phone and just agree to disagree. Instead they had to use ESPN’s Rachel Nichols and FOX’s Pam Oliver as messengers of relationship death, spreading erroneous messages about what text messages were sent and received in a game of who can out-gay each other. Here’s a message: Who cares? It’s stories like that and other sideline reporter gems like Tom Brady doing 25 push-ups an hour when he was 8 that make me want to dip my testes in that acid that killed cartoons in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Then there’s news that he failed to show up for a random drug test administered by the league. T.O. claims it was a simple case of miscommunication. He most likely tried to text the league’s fax number. ESPN thinks texts are valid so why not the most powerful organization in the world (sorry, Scientology!). Of course, not all text-related sports stories make front page headlines. Below is a list of lesser known stories from the NFL involving text messages:

Former Broncos RB Travis Henry was arrested last week for child negligence. While in custody, Henry claims he sent his baby mama a text reading, “Yo! Can u plz pick up da o-spring? Thx!”

Much maligned Bears QB Rex Grossman recently went to trial for possession of narcotics with intent to distribute. Accusations were confirmed when Grossman’s lawyer was forced to turn over his cell, which contained a text from the Gator alum that read, “WTF, dood! Y cant I do drugz!?”

Several Giants players and coaches have confirmed rumors that they received a mass text message from former RB Tiki Barber that read, “I miss u guyz! Big Blue 4 eva!”

If these stories have proved anything, it’s that text has now risen to a level of legitmacy parallel to phone calls and emails. I just find it hard to believe that a medium made popular by gossipy adolescent girls with budding breasts stretching their training bras is held as sacred truth for muscly gargantuan warriors with powerful pecs busting through their shoulder pads. For the record, that was the creepiest sentence I’ve ever written. Somehow knowing that at some point Bears LB Brian Urlacher text Paris Hilton, “I L Y, bb.” makes me want to turn in my dude card and subscribe to Cosmo.

What’s surprising to me is IM has been left out in the cold like the mangy, diseased mutt we all know she isn’t.  Why haven’t instant messages been treated with the same vailidity as text? Each format uses the same ridiculous butchered lingo. Only IM has absurd cyber identities that make them hard to take seriously. Even with that downside, I’m confident it will rise to prominence in the press. Who says it already hasn’t? It’s afforded chat room buddies Tim Kurchin and John Clayton multiple anonymous J.O. sessions. Secrets!

Here are my predictions for top sports-related IM stories:

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports he received an IM from Browns QB Brady Quinn late last night stating, “a/s/l” leading Chris to believe Cleveland’s looking into a possible 3-way trade between Arizona, Seattle, and Lindsay Lohan.

ESPN’s Erin Andrews accidentally signed in to her roommate’s AIM and received a forwarded IM from an anonymous screen name that appeared to be a very lurid convo between Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant (screename: InDaButt24) and pop icon Madonna (screename: NuthinLikeaVirgin69) in which Kobe signed off after writing, “luvn u is ez,” to which The Material Girl responded, ”oh hun, IWASN.” Experts believe the acronym means, “I want anal sex now.”

Not to sound like a curmudgeonly old fartcicle, but I would’ve loved to see the look on Howard Cosell’s face if he was handed a note from a producer that read, “Breaking news out of the Big Apple, Jets signal caller Broadway Joe Namath reportedly sent a text message to Ann Margaret that said, “Carpet match drapez? LOL!” He’d probably stab the producer in the cornea with the business end of his mike.

In my e-book, texts and IMs carry no weight. How many times have you really thought about the crap you were sending someone over text/IM? Now, imagine having that same convo face-to-face or over the phone - you think, “Your t*ts, my face!” is really gonna fly w/o a hairline fracture to the pelvis?

For me, text/IMs were safe places; havens reserved for lewd suggestions and open invitations that make the event planners at Club Hedonism blush. But, those times have passed. Thanks to ESPN, at this pace IM/Text will secure its place in Canton someday, right next to Brett Favre’s Vikings jersey and Super Bowl ring.

Ouch, Cheeseheads. Very ouch.