Facebook went from an exclusive college thing, to a billion dollar operation in about five years. That’s probably a pretty good business plan. Now that the world has Facebook, Facebook has the world. Just like in the real world where good friends and good times are mixed with creepy guys and drive by shootings, Facebook brings a new flair to the internet stalking scene. So we decided to divulge into a Stone Phillips-like look at the creepy world of Facebook, and the guys who dominate the landscape.

Guy Who Promotes The Club He Goes To

Remember when you had way too many Jack and Cokes and spikey-hair-tank-top-guy asked to be your Facebook friend, so he can hook you up with sweet deals. Of course you don’t, he was so tan it was like an extension of the wood bar was talking to you. Now he writes mass wall posts inviting you out every Thursday night for “wet t-shirt contest, girls get in free, 18 party 21 to drink, $1 bud lights 10pm-11pm, message me for directions” encounters. At least he will provide awkward conversations when your kids are your Facebook friends and ‘Sir Creeps A lot’ is still writing about body shots on your wall.

Guy From Work

“Guy From Work” knows you as the go-getter in the office; the hard worker who’s trying to get ahead in the world while he is on Facebook wondering how to spell your last name and which network you belong to. He got the nerve to friend you one day, and ever since he saw your spring break 2006 pictures he’s never really looked at you the same way.

Guy Who Was Your Professor in College

Ok, you went up to this guy’s desk one time just to ask again how many sources your paper required just so you could use the sources from the Wikipedia page you copy and pasted, and suddenly he’s your friend on Facebook three semesters after you took his class? Invasion of privacy? Maybe, but just because he has your first, middle, and last name as well as date of birth, social security number, and GPA doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to poke you.

Guy Who Updates Too Often

You don’t even remember where you know this guy from. Is he from 7th grade summer camp? Or that winter break job you had in the mall? All you know is that this guy’s status updates are so revealing and provocative that there is no need for him to write an autobiography just check his news feed. You haven’t clicked on his profile in…ever, yet he dominates your Recently Updated Friends like the ‘Monstars’ on Bill Murray.

Guy Who Shows Off His Abs In All His Pictures

There he is–yet another profile picture updated–with his black tank top pulled up showing his abs off while making a kiss face (not the band, like actually a kissing face, although face paint would be better). Hey, he worked hard for those abs, what with all the sit-ups, leg raises, egg whites, and Hydroxycut–but do we need to see them in every picture? At this point, there should be an album just for the abs–abs at the beach, abs on a rollercoaster, abs at the bar, abs at baby cousin Mikey’s Baptism. They dominate your news feed like Hip Hop Abs dominates weekend television.

Guy Who Pokes You

Poking is to Facebook as the typewriter is to the computer world. It’s a forgotten language, like Latin. You caught Guy Who Pokes You’s eye though, and instead of messaging you, writing on your wall, sending you a bumper sticker, commenting on your photos, sending you a gift, or inviting you to add an application (this sentence is certifiable pathetic), he poked you. Now you have to return poke right? Except he poked back, and now you’ve been in a 2 year poke war with the guy who was your high school field hockey teammate’s boyfriend. Poke back my child, poke back.

Guy Who Tags You In Pictures You Didn’t Even Know Existed

Sometimes you’ll head out to the bar and meet up with friends unexpectedly, almost like an impromptu high school reunion. Sometimes you take pictures with these people, laugh-off a few beers, and go home thinking ‘that was fun’. And sometimes you are standing next to this group of people, only one of which you went to school with, and even he wasn’t really your friend just the guy who got off four bus stops before yours. He got the side of your head in one shot that night, and faster than you can say ‘remove tag’ he’ll be posting the 6th grade class picture. Cool turtleneck by the way.

and at #1…

Guy Who You’ve Never Really Met

One time you went to the mall with your friend Jill, and she ran into a friend from high school who worked at Starbucks and who rang you up for a Grande Mocha Latte. You never talked to him, remained in full text mode on your phone, and barely grazed his hand when he gave you the thirty cent change you were owed. Three hours later he ‘add requested’ you on Facebook, now you get to look at his brooding status updates every 16 minutes. He knows your favorite caffeinated beverage and has his blackberry programmed to remind him when your birthday is. Please change the privacy settings for your Facebook profile, stat.

Jim “Big Cat” Kelly is the managing editor of JimKellyJr.com, check out his site for more witty content like “The 2008 Average Bar Dream Team.”