In Defense of Smaller Boobs

The media loves to plaster pictures of top-heavy ladies all over movie screens, TV screens, computer screens¦ basically, if you’re near a screen of any kind, odds are you’re not far from an image of some C-cup or larger gozangas.

And while I generally stick to the mantra “big, small, I like them all,” I must confess that I have a particular affinity for a more compact set. You may consider yourself a tit man, but consider the following advantages of petite funbags.

1) It’s easy to find your way around a smaller rack. Once you get up into the D-cup range, you practically need a map and a “you are here” arrow to maneuver around unless you have Shaq-hands.
2) During sex, the wee boobies don”t flop violently all over the place; they bounce daintily like a pair of constantly-affirming yes-men. Personally, I can’t sustain eye contact with a pair of jiggling fish floppers without thinking of a pair of spastic Muppets… just me?
3) Girls with huge baby pillows expect guys to go straight for the boobs in the bedroom, and are sometimes upstaged by said boobs. They’re more likely to be bored the second you take off their bra and start drooling. However, girls with smaller boobs aren’t always confident about that area of their body, so they’re more likely to appreciate it when attention ”optical or manual” is paid to it.
4) A-cup boobs are way more likely to retain some perkiness up into middle age; full C and D boobs rarely defy gravity past the age of 40 or past a couple of kids. Something to think about for all you marrying types…
5) Girls with tig ol’ bitties often suffer from back pain, which can lead to chronic problems in the long run. So if you think about it, a long-term partner with little ones will be more likely to be having sex with you up into old age.

Ultimately, your tastes are your tastes–and more importantly, you never know when you’re going to fall hopelessly in love with a girl whose looks don’t match what you think of as “your type.” If you’re in the right relationship ”in theory” it doesn’t matter if her boobs are mosquito bites or belly drapes. But the moral of the story is: Don’t be seduced by the constant deluge of big-tittied women in the media, because bigger isn’t necessarily better.

Also, start calling big breasts Sweater Muffins, Jemimas, and Lady Sacks.

(Image source: Kiera Knightly: PopSofa.com; Evangeline Lilly: Skip Jenkins)