In Defense Of The Curvy Chick

Turn on your TV. See the cute thick chick on the car commercial? Or the full-figured babe starring in that new summer movie? How about the wide-hipped honey advertising a new acne cream?…me neither. What’s up with that?

Call me crazy, but I am consistently attracted to women with curves. This doesn’t necessarily mean mammoth, perfectly spherical boobs or a Vida Guerra ass; I’m talking about the simple quality of having some meat on their bones. A soft, poochy tummy isn’t cause for disgust; it’s cause for blowing surprise raspberries, bitch.

At this point, some of you guys are raising an eyebrow and turning your palms up in unimpressed agreement. But some of you fundamentally disagree, favoring the borderline-anorexic look popularized by Hollywood and the media at large.

Let’s look at this in a historical context.

The Venus of Willendorf, carbon-dated to around 30,000 BC, is considered one of the oldest surviving works of art. Check her out, she wasn’t the only figurine like this.

Apparently, people in the Upper Palaeolithic era were up to their ass in these things. You’d be amazed what horny guys do when they don’t have late-night Cinemax or the invention of papyrus. Evidently, fertility was the sexiest goddamn thing going at the time. Incidentally, none of the figurines from that era ever looked like this status of the Olsen Twins.