LOST Season Finale Recap

Of all of the television shows out there, why is that Lost happens to be the most aptly named in the bunch? The perpetually perplexing show never creates plot tension to make a point, exactly…Rather, it creates plot tension just to screw with you. And, like all of the other episodes of Lost this season, the finale last night…well…screwed with me.

To broadly sum up the season, it went a little something like this:

First, let me get you up to speed:

Innocent peeps wanna get off the island.
Bad guy peeps wanna kill everyone on the island.
Innocent peeps disagree on escape tactics and split up.
Crazy black smoke kills people, surprise, surprise.
Ben gets his daughter shot. Good job, Ben.
Locke talks to ghosts, what’s new?
Claire goes nuts and leaves her baby stranded in the woods.
Kate is now the baby mama.
Bad guy peeps get busted.

This all leads us to the season finale, which blew my freakin’ mind.

Just in case you haven’t seen it, let me *spoil* it for you:

Gross rabbit-looking militant dude hooks a bomb up to his chest so that the boat blows up if his heart stops beating.

All of gross rabbit-looking militant dude’s friends get ambushed by the ‘others’. Booyah. And rabbit dude gets shot, so Ben agrees to let Kate and whomever else take the helicopter off the island. ‘Cause, ya know, they saved his life there with that one.

They all hop on the helicopter and head toward the boat, but the fuel is running out due to a bullet hole in the gas tank. Sawyer, being ever the martyr, jumps out of the helicopter AFTER whispering something to Kate and kissing her. The 200 pounds of weight gone helps them get to the boat, but wait! The boat is about to blow up!

Why? Well, cause rabbit dude never really DIED and Ben is a MORON and decided to kill him even AFTER he knew it would blow up the boat. Goddamnit, Ben.

So they all land on the boat just in time to refuel and head back to the island before the boat explodes. Sun has to watch Jin explode on the boat cause he doesn’t make it off in time.

All of them have to head back to the island from which they worked so hard to escape, but nooooo!!!! Ben does something magical to make the island MOVE or DISAPPEAR or f*cking SINK, no one knows! But it is gone.

With nowhere to land, the helicopter crashes into the ocean and the innocent peeps who are left just have to swim around the ocean on floaty things….UNTIL…dun, dun, duuuuuuhhh!

They see a boat!
And guess who the boat belongs to? PENNY! Finally! Penny FINALLY found Desmond!

She rescues them all, and after regrouping, they decide to take a gimp boat to a nearby island shore and they prepare to embellish stories of their survival…because they have all decided they can’t tell the truth.

THE END.

Mull over that one for the next year, kids.
And after a year has passed, I guarantee, you still won’t be anything other than, of course, LOST.