The Greatest Mother’s Day Gift Of All: How To Seduce a Cougar

Older women have many advantages. They aren’t flaky, brain-less freaks who will send you 8 million text messages after you hook-up. They know what they want, and they aren’t afraid to say so. And they won’t play games, because they don’t have the time. And mainly, there’s something to be said for experience.

A lot of times, very attractive women end up with guys that are successful assholes, nerds, whatever. But they’re not happy, and this is where a younger man (you) might have leg up. Basically, they want some hot 20-year-old man-tang to make them feel young again. Here’s how to give them that gift.

1. Stare: Do not be afraid to let a cougar know you want to have sex with her. She’s already feeling old, possibly unattractive–the thing she wants most is to know she’s none of those things. Make her feel that way from the first look. If she turns away, keep looking. If she gives you the evil eye, keep looking. If she doesn’t look back, wait 10 minutes. After that, you’ll have to venture elsewhere.

2. Compliment her: Do whatever you have to do to introduce yourself. When you meet her, compliment her in a way that makes her think you think she’s younger than she is. “What’s your major,” won’t cut it. Try something like, “That’s a beautiful dress/necklace/earrings/walker,” anything—whatever applies. Just don’t make your intentions so obvious others will notice–other than her, of course.

3. Get her alone: Make the most of your time together. First, be polite–treat her with respect, without coming across as immature. Second, tell a story that makes girls your age seem inferior to her. But don’t be too negative about anything. That will turn a girl off, no matter her age.

5. *Pre-requisite: Make a good, dirty Gibson martini: The Gibson isn’t a normal martini. But it is essential to cougar-hunting. It uses vodka, instead of gin. An onion replaces the olive, and make it stirred, not shaken. This is your secret weapon.

Step one: Fill a martini glass with ice to chill the glass. Pour in extra-dry vermouth, swirl to cover the entire inside of the glass.

Step two: Fill half a martini-mixer with ice, fill to the top of the ice with the best vodka you can get your hands on.

Step three: Discard the vermouth. Pour in a tea spoon of olive juice into the martini mixer. Mix your concoction with a metal bar-mixer (or chop-stick). Using a strainer, pour the now-cold vodka and olive juice into the martini glass. Traditionally, it should be fill to the very top, almost bubbling over the rim.

Step four: Add a pickled onion, smile, and give her the martini. This is the second date.

6. Don’t f**k around: Stop kidding yourself; this is only about sex. Once you both have a drink, in a comfortable place, don’t waste your time. Ask her about herself. Laugh at her jokes. Tease her. Put your hand on her hand or leg. Tell her she’s beautiful. Kiss her and let it roll. Afterwards, don’t pretend she’s your girlfriend. If she wants to come back, she’ll call you.