After reading this article from DivineCaroline.com about a girl who finds her boyfriend’s porn stash, we here at COED decided it’s time to give our side of the story.

The author discovers the dastardly evidence while “looking for Christmas presents for her boyfriend,” after which, she confronts the man with all the insecure girlfriend questions you might expect.

(From the article:)

• Are you doing this because you are unhappy sexually with us?
• Are there things you watch here that you want to do, but have been unable to initiate with me, don’t want to do with me, or that I do not inspire in you?
• Do you see me as your “wife type” and these are your “vixens” and the two are totally separate?
• Are you looking at young girls that would be considered illegal?
• Are you looking at gay sex with two men?

First of all, WTF?! “Vixens,” “illegal,” “gay sex!” Ladies, ladies, ladies. You need to relax. Every time I’ve heard this story, the girl has been “looking for Christmas presents,” finds porn, and proceeds to have a complete failure of character.

The girl reacts as if Mars and Venus together are falling down upon her sexual world. Gay sex? For f*ck’s sake! Just because we like to watch two girls getting it on, or some chick blow the mailman doesn’t mean we really want you to do those things. (Necessarily…) Or that we’d rather be sucking a dong right now. Damn.

It’s not even that these are fantasies. Sometimes it’s just a dick in a vagina. Women need to realize that men don’t think the same as they think. We usually don’t have intricate fantasies or get fixated on particular people. We just like watching sex. That’s it.

That, and we’re lazy. We don’t have the desire to concoct entire scenes in our minds of baby oil-covered Latinas boning a dude in a van. We just log-on to the Internet, watch the sh*t, log-off, play Halo 3 and get on with our lives.

Most men don’t think of their porn as much of anything. And we certainly don’t think of porn stars as “real” human beings, or want them as our girlfriends. We may have some favorites here and there — a certain girl or look or activity. But this is not something to which we have an emotional attachment.

We do not long to sit and watch our favorite B.J. scene while holding you, or wish you’d gather up 40 of your closest Japanese girlfriends and molest us in a bath-house. At worst, for most healthy men, our porn is a way to be ourselves without having to convince or impress you of anything, or to actually partake in the “fantasies” we all have — sometimes it’s just easier.

Not that having sex with you is a burden — never, ever is that true — but having sex as often as we want can be, unless you’re some type of magic monogamous nympho from the land of Rad. And the fact of the matter is, we like to change things up from time to time.

Men are visual. Looking is what we like to do. And by simply looking at porn, it saves us both from the frustration of a man’s visceral appetite. If you knew how often we genuinely want to get it on, you’d think of us all as poorly as you hope we’re not.

Which brings me to my next point: If you don’t want to feel like you’re our mother, don’t act like you are. As the author describes her confrontation:

He was not defensive, nor was he angry. In fact most of the time he was blushing, like a little kid whose mom found Playboy under his bed (note: I do NOT want to be anyone’s mom, but this was the emotion I felt).

Women hate feeling like they’re being their man’s mother. But it seems to me that by judging us — or becoming skeptical of who we are, in more severe cases — just because we didn’t feel like having a conversation about making a deposit is what makes you feel that way, not because we downloaded Big Jugs 27. And we’re ashamed because you think that what we did was possibly wrong, so we think we have in fact done something wrong that we didn’t even realize was wrong…right? That’s why you feel like you’re our mothers, not because we made you feel that way.

Having a private porn collection is also fun because it’s private. We all know you girls are keeping a few things to yourself. If you didn’t, it’d be weird. The difference is, what you keep private is something you don’t think is any of our business, or something we just “don’t need to know about.” We keep our porn private just because it’s fun to jerk off while you go to the grocery store.

And we also keep it private because we’re afraid you’re going to react as the author did, by belittling us, and yourself, in the process. If we thought you’d be like, “Sweet! I wanna watch!” the situation might be different.

But that rarely happens. And when it does, it can go one of two ways: a) We grow closer to each other and become better equipped to satisfy one another for years to come, or b) You become disgusted, we break up, and forever we are remembered in shame. That’s quite a gamble.

In a perfect world, we’d all just be completely up-front with each other, and everything would be cool — but that’s never going to happen. So I suggest you, gentlemen, hit up HeatSeek.com, which locks down all your filthy clicking under 128-bit encryption lock and key. That should keep her browsing for presents and your shame to a minimum. Cheers!