Since the beginning of the Catholic Church (at least…I suck at history), men have been hindered, ridiculed, shunned and bludgeoned for their masturbating escapades. But no more!

BBC News reports today that regular masturbation clears the man’s system of cancer-causing fluids, reducing the risk of prostate cancer.

From the article:

Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who had not about their sexual habits.

They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop the cancer.

The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20s.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

But it only works with masturbation, not sex. Because of the risk of catching STDs that increase the chances of developing cancer, only masturbation’s no-worries-but-getting-caught nature has the built in protection. Unless you’re healthy and you have a monogamous relationship with another healthy person, in which case you’re in like Flint.

“Hey baby, how ’bout it?” (Yes, this is how I woo women.)

“Err…no.”

“But it protects me from getting cancer. You don’t want me getting cancer, do you…honey?”

“You smoke cigarettes!”

“Damnit.”

Well, it’s not fool-proof, but you get the idea. For the rest of us, we’ll just have to stick to the lone-man, which we do already, anyway, so grab your Jergens and have some caner-fighting me-time.