HIV Testing: For Your Health and Your Sanity

If you’re single, perhaps you can agree with me on this one. Why is it that immediately after a sexual encounter, the entire world resonates with discussion of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases?

Without fail, no matter who my last partner was, how perfect I have been about taking my birth control or how sure I am that I used a backup method too, until I get my next period I am quite convinced that I am probably both pregnant and dying of full-blown AIDS. There are no symptoms that prompt my overreaction, it just comes to me in sharp pangs of anxiety.

Once I’m satisfied that I’m not actually pregnant, however, the panic truly sets in. Sure, you’ve been tested in previous gynecological exams, but have you actually been tested for HIV? And isn’t there a lot of discussion about HIV these days? There was that program in the park, and Philadelphia has been on TV lately, and…

Ohmygod I can’t remember exactly… he definitely is a charmer, who knows how many girls he’s slept with… I know I’m not a slut but what about the other girls? What if he gave me something? What if I give someone else something? How do I tell my parents? Oh, God… the parents. They’re going to be so disappointed in me… what if he doesn’t know he has HIV and I got it because the condom wasn’t enough and what if and what if…?

You can see that the what-iffing does no good, it just causes anxiety attacks and fits of hysteria. After putting myself through this, since I’ve been sexually active for a few years now, I figured it was time to be an adult and realize that ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to my health. I’d been focusing so much on not getting pregnant, but had I been worried enough about not getting anything else? The potential for disaster was huge; not only was I risking my own health, but maybe I had been in danger of hurting those I had been with. Yikes. I talked to friends of mine who had recently decided to get tested, and realized that as terrified as I was, I was driving myself crazy without knowing anything.

I had to go.

And so for my annual exam, I scheduled an appointment with my new OB-GYN and laid it out for her in our pre-exam meeting.

“Test me for everything,” I said. She nodded, reminding me that tests for HIV and HPV required bloodwork and waiting a week for the results, and only then did I shudder. Needles I could handle, but waiting a week to hear if I had unwittingly become another statistic?

So after the joy which is an annual exam, the nurse came in and drew a couple vials of blood, something I had trouble stomaching between nerves and my general disgust for seeing my own veins in action. Overall, this was as painless as getting tested for mono or anything else, and much easier than actually donating blood.

As I walked out of the doctor’s office, I had a knot in my stomach the size of a softball. Over the next week, knowing that whatever would be, would be, it only seemed to grow. I longed for a distraction, and another guy wasn’t the answer when I still didn’t know anything. Even stress eating wasn’t helping. I was restless at work, I wasn’t sleeping well, and I couldn’t help but think of ways to explain to my parents what had happened… all while trying to accept that at this point, there was nothing I could do.

My friends reassured me that I was fine, and my inner monologue laughed, because of course they weren’t worried. It couldn’t happen to one of us, right? Not so much. There was no reason that something horrible shouldn’t happen to me. I wasn’t special. I didn’t deserve to be “saved” just because my charmed life had brought me this far.

After I got “the call” from my doctor, reassuring me that everything was fine, I had a crazy new appreciation for my life and my body. Which is a little weird, maybe, but it felt so good to know that everything was okay, and that it was up to me to keep it that way.

If HIV or other STDs are something you’re stressed about but you’d “rather not know,” seriously, you might want to reconsider. There are a lot of consequences out there that you may have to deal with. You’d be amazed how much better you feel after getting tested. Your health shouldn’t be beyond your control, and once you bite the bullet and get to your doctor, it won’t be.