How to: Get Laid In Boston

Ballsy, right? Just who am I to give advice on how to get laid in Beantown?

If I can follow these ridiculous tips (without taking them too seriously) and increase my chances of following a hot-enough Bostonian to her BoSox-adorned apartment, so can you.

Have I ever tried these personally? Of course not – but that shouldn’t stop you from reading and being slightly entertained. And isn’t that the point, to read one story a day that makes you go, “Oh…ok. That was marginally fun. That was pretty good, I guess – I think. It wasn’t great by any means, but I didn’t hate it, either. I don’t care about it enough to hate it. Grade: C-”

Boston girls are tough cookies that do not crumble for just anybody – you have to be whip-smart, funny, slightly reckless (more on this later) and not overbearing, since most dudes from Boston have the exact opposite traits (except for the boys at Barstool Sports; they are rad – ed).

TIP #1: Fenway, to be frank, isn’t the Alpha and Omega

According to every media source that covers the Boston area, those lovable dolts sure love their Red Sox, right? Sure, but don’t patronize a gal you meet with the biggest city stereotype of all time. There’s a lot more to Boston than Yawkey Way; history and Irish Pubs are there too!

But yeah…no. Don’t pretend to be interested in the Red Sox if you’re not. Chances are she either has vast knowledge of her home team already or doesn’t give a f*ck. Try talking about, uh, the Boston Tea Party! Yeah…that’ll get her wetter than the teabags steeped in the sea that fateful day. Stupid, right? That’s the point, cabron – silly sh*t outpaces serious sh*t any day of the week.

Duck Tours?? F*CK TOURS! (Use that line it’s awesome)

TIP #2: Say no to macho

You want to make an impression in a Boston bar? Be the one guy that doesn’t get into a heated brawl over who’s “wicked retaaded,” conjuring up images of our friends from New Jersey. While they’re all comparing dick size (smallest to smallest ever) you can shrug your shoulders and air-guitar to whatever hackneyed Classic Rock is blaring. That’s as reckless as you should get.

Don’t pay attention to the machismo; be authentic and have fun regardless. Trust me: people will take notice, and they’ll either be intrigued or jealous, as long as your being sincere with your rocking out. When it’s time for a break, grab a drink and ‘cheers’ the girl you’re into – then walk away. Cat and mouse? More like approach nicely and ye shall receive.

TIP #3: Enter and exit strategies, Boston edition

If you look hard enough, you can tell if a Boston girl is into you right off the bat (!). Bostonians are honest creatures, sometimes to the point of extreme bluntness. Use that to your advantage.

Boston girls, on average, can hold their own better than most – whether it’s a steady income or their alcohol. Approaching them isn’t hard in terms of intimidation, but a sarcastic sense of humor works best. Taking notice of every foolish statement that either you or her make is admirable and endearing. Of course, exit early if she’s paying you no mind. Bostonettes aren’t hard sells, but they do know exactly what they like. Don’t discourage yourself by discouraging her, idiot!

TIP #4: Get to know ‘the bros’

Become the “dude you’re awesome!” guy early and often when in Boston. Guys there have an amazing sense of male camaraderie, giving shots to anybody who keep them entertained. Steal the show quickly then be on your way. Drunken embraces with rad dudes in Boston will only lead to more drinks and the acceptance of ladies. Bonus points go to girls with guy friends that like you.

Be adventurous enough to say f*ck all and go somewhere ridiculous. Don’t be afraid to have zero plans. Even when the bars close at 2AM, an after party is never too far away.

The rest (read: everything) is up to you.

So, whatcha think? Pretty not bad, right? Following the fine tradition of Boston, being pretty good sometimes and incredible on rare occasions is our golden rule here at COED.