Super Smash Bros. Brawl Reviewed

In 2001, we were given the greatest game ever played by humanity: Super Smash Bros. Melee. All other so-called games before Melee were nothing but bitter pretenders.

Now, after nearly seven years of waiting, wishing, speculating, and (of course) spoiling the entire game for ourselves on Japanese YouTube videos, the sky has opened and America has been gifted with Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

How can one perfect perfection? I don’t know, but it happened. Now, one could say that all other forms of recreation – including sex with girls, I’m told – cannot compare to the sublime experience of pitting Sheik against Fox on “Final Destination.”

It’s a hobby – what can I say?

This time around there are thirty-five total characters, but only two of them are actually playable from the get go. They brought in Sonic the Hedgehog and Super Snake from that Sony game. Whatever. Also, they upgraded all of the models with the best graphics the Wii can offer.

There are over forty stages. However, using any but Final Destination is cheap and lame. Don’t bother. There’s a spaceship one and maybe one in an egg or something. It’s for babies. Final Destination is available from the get-go though, so you don’t have to go through the chore of enduring any of the one-player modes.

I don’t like how Final Destination looks now. Nintendo obviously ignored my letters, as the background is more distracting than ever. I’m trying the press a button on the corner of a controller at the exact moment between the seventh and eighth frames of Fox’s side-A and there’s all these universes exploding behind me. Luckily there’s a stage builder now, so I’ve been able to realize my dream: Finalist Destination! Flatter, blanker, better!

I’ve been told that there is a way to make Fox summon his Landmaster tank from Starfox 64, but I’m not sure I believe it. I’ve gone through every button combination at least six times and I have found nothing. Perhaps it’s some sort of item. I wouldn’t know. I do not use items. They are cheap and lame.

There’s lots of new music in SSBB. I know because I downloaded all three hundred tracks as a Japanese torrent file on my Japanese PC (!!! – ed.). I listened to the Final Destination theme for a while and it was fine, but then I switched back to playing on mute with NPR in the background.

So, I guess I would give Super Smash Bros. Brawl a ten out of ten. I’m glad I bought it. I almost gave it a 9.4, but that was only because my friend Derek wanted to play as Ike, and it was making me uncomfortable, but then he switched back to Sheik and I felt better.