Having already guaranteed a place in hell, we at COED thought that since Mr. Spitzer could “blow” $80,000 on high-priced unknown vagina, what would the going rates be for high-priced celebrity vagina. We pondered the current Emperors Club Diamond Scale and drafted up our list.

It is with pride that we welcome you, ladies and gents, to the Celebrity Emperor’s Club, where high paid politicians can bump nasty with the most desirable celebs taxpayer’s money can buy! We offer complete privacy and anonymity to our clients, in return for keeping our business a private matter.

Tara

Measurements: 33-26-34

Tara is a sassy blonde that loves to let loose and have a wild time with zero inhibition or standards.

While she does indeed enjoy partying, some clients have complained that Tara parties a little too much, as she’s known to pass out mid-sentence. Keep her alcohol consumption to a minimum (if possible) and you will hit it off (and get off) just fine.

Tara has the looks of at 2 Diamond girl, but her wide array of STDs brings her down to a budget level, making her desirable only to people who find Herpes to be an attractive trait.

Check our stable of willing and able girls after the jump!

Juliette

Measurements: 32-26-32

In our prestigious club, Juliette (nicknamed “Crackwhore Deluxe”) is known as a “bag and stab,” a certain kind of female who brings desire and lust to those with the smarmiest of intentions.

Coming from an acting background, this feisty brunette is prone to scare the bejeezus out of the less adventurous, but will be a perfect match for fantasies involving crystal meth and regret.

Our regulars enjoy bringing her to local burger joint parking lots for ferocious handjobs in the back of Lincoln Town Cars (windows tinted! – ed).

Brooke

Measurements: 37-29-39

At 19 years old, this 5′11″ blonde princess is known for her large bust, outspoken attitude and famous family. What a firecracker!

Her talents run the gamut, from looking pretty good to look pretty great. She also has a music career in the works, and may be starring in her own show, if the stars align properly.

Recent problems involving her father and best friend have left Brooke not interested in older men.

Brooke is said to look like a young Heather Locklear, except not at all.

Heidi

Measurements: 36-26-36

The mysterious “Heidi” is actually Heidi Montag of the popular MTV show The Hills!

Since she has no problem whoring herself out on a daily basis, her name and likeness needn’t be hidden from the public eye, for that’s where she wants to be at all times.

Sporting a young, tight body, Montag – oops, “Heidi” I mean! – loves to do things, like stuff and other things too! She’s a real fun, dumb gal.

Muzzle and roofies are optional, but highly recommended.

Paris

Measurements: 33-24-24

Paris is the daughter of elite New York City socialites and was raised to have an elegant grace, though she has an extremely wild side after hours, which is every hour of every day.

The only thing Paris loves more than getting back at her neglectful parents by hooking up with bad boys is money – and tons of it!

Her lifestyle is equal parts fame, fortune and philanthropy, if by donation you mean giving her body away to public figures of questionable taste.

If short on cash, coke is accepted as payment.

Lindsay

Measurements: 38-24-35

Lindsay is a leggy, busty babe that has a new hair color every week – and yes, the drapes match the curtains (they most certainly don’t)!

Our precious redhead had a rough upbringing, but don’t worry, fellas – she covers it up extremely well with a girlish charm that is second only to her addiction to sex and drugs!

But don’t take our word for it: ask every single and/or married man in Hollywood.

Kim

Measurements: 38-24-43

Kim is a curvy, sexual beast of a girl that loves making money and home movies. If big butts and a knack for self promotion is your sort of thing then Kim is the girl you’ve been looking for!

Take a look at her measurements folks – not even J-Lo can keep up with this girl.

Can you believe the booty on this broad? It has to be fake! (It is, but who cares? -ed.)

Alas, don’t plan on having a chance with Kim… unless you are a rich, black entrepreneur.

Rihanna

Measurements: 38-23-43

Rihanna is a babe from Barbados that’s a babe, babe, babe, babe, um-barella, babe, babe.

Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe.

While her main talent revolves around singing, Rihanna also won the Miss Combermere Beauty Pageant – and we all know how difficult it is to win best looking in the notorious Combereromboneranomere (sp?) district.

Katherine

Measurements: 38-26-36

Lovely Katherine has a girl next door attitude with SI model looks, meaning she’s got naturally big boobs and a flawless body.

Although she seems wholesome on the outside this vixen loves her vices, sporting a bitchy attitude and more likely to date and mate with geeky guys than buff dudes. Now’s your chance!

Her feminist slant is offset by her obliviousness, which is perfect for dominant males.

Jessica

Measurements: 38-23-43

Can you say Double D’s? We say it loud and proud here at the Emperor’s Club, and when we do it’s usually in regards to the boobalicious Jessica, our rack representative.

What Jessica my lack in social setting, worldly knowledge, common sense and general literacy she makes up with boobs, taters, tots and ta-tas.

Be forewarned: if you ask her a question about anything, a blank stare will be her only retort. Leave your IQ at the door.

Megan

Measurements: 33-24-34

Where do we start with Megan?

She’s a tattooed-up sexpot with an great set of everything – you name it, she has it (except STDs; refer to “Tara” if wanted/required).

At 22-years-old, this young stunner enjoys the company of men over 30, and washed up white rappers not named Eminem. If any of those apply, sign the dotted line.

P.S. Old muscle cars are a plus.

Hayden

Measurements: 30-26-36

The end-all, be-all for sweet, petite, jailbait vibes.

Hayden, at 5′1″, is the kind of girl you want to toss around the bedroom with fearless abandon. And catapult her you can: acting as a cheerleader is one of her parlor tricks.

Bendable, flexible, sexable – that’s Hayden.

It’s also worth mentioning that horseback riding is one of her favorite pastimes. Just saying.

Ivanka

Measurements: 41-40-47

Ivanka: a name like that gives the impression that you’re dealing with a high class, powerful woman.

The youngest VP of a publicly-traded company in the US, as well as graduating at the top of her class at UPENN, she comes from a very wealthy family but can hold her own, without daddy’s assistance.

Ivanka trumps every blonde on the list with ease. Did I say trump? Haha! That’s totally weird and just a coincidence, I assure you!

Gisele

Measurements: 34-24-34

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY

By most accounts, the days of the supermodel are dead and gone, but don’t tell that to this South Brazilian beauty. Earning over 15 million U.S at her day job last year, an evening with Gisele won’t come cheap. Or easy. Or at all.

In addition to long walks on the beach, this lovely, leggy looker loves to eat almonds and sculpt clay with her hands, a talent which is rumored to have other incredible applications. Gisele is a true patriot and has been known to do one or two as well.