With the WGA strike over, TV can now return to its former glory! (No it won’t – expect most programs to either stay off the air indefinitely or return in a truncated form around April.)

Keep on trucking, keep on sucking: pointless, mind-numbing reality shows are still the only sure thing on television today, barring the billions of big-production game shows that have contestants involved in amazing feats of strength and brain power, from being smarter than a 5th grader to lying about really loving your wife – all in the name of entertainment! Sigh…

Ok, seriously – we really need to pull the plug on most of this garbage. Does quality control even exist anymore, or did everybody just stop caring? Our standards are shot, people!

The following shows are not just terrible – they’re f*cking Greek Tragedies.

American Gladiators

Now look, I have fond memories of Titan, Malibu, Boner XIV, Foosball and Maxwell House just like any human born with a personality, but let’s not pussyfoot around the fact that this “revision” of an 80’s cult favorite is nothing more than an overproduced turd. Sure, the Eliminator is technically better this time around, but who cares when one-thousand wonky cameras are on every f*cking angle, making me nauseous, while the Armageddon-inspired soundtrack is supposed to “move me” or something. I could give a flying medicine ball who reigns victorious; in the end we the people lose.

Moment of Truth

I have a great idea! How about we line up all the Average Joes and Janes across the U.S. and watch them slowly destroy their lives by unveiling their deepest, most scandalous skeletons on live television for a cash prize? Bingo, bango – a show is born. Face it, everybody has a dozen plus “mistakes” they would rather not be reminded of, but hey – these schmucks are willing to put all good taste and judgment aside for money. I can relate to an extent, and would probably like this show if it wasn’t a complete bore. If you tune in waiting to see Jerry Springer-esque epiphanies, you’re in the wrong place. It’s more about, like, tax evasion and feelings. It’s more about how hard you want to slap host Mark L. Walberg (no, not Mark Wahlberg, to my extreme disappointment) in the mouth.

Wife Swap

This well is bound to run dry, if it hasn’t already. Couples swap wives/mothers for two weeks, and compare/contrast their lifestyles, usually ending in a tearful reunion of families by the end of the show. OK FINE I GET IT – my mommy is better than any mommy in the whole world…so amazing that she decided to shake the foundation of my family by allowing us all to be taped and scrutinized by millions of viewers. Real cool, mom – I hate you and that guy you refer to as “Dad” who approved of this exploitive, life-altering nonsense that will haunt me forever.

Lipstick Jungle

While I’m certainly not in the demographic Lipstick Jungle is pandering to – rich (or wannabe rich) female socialites who are less functional than Terry Schiavo – it’s fair to say that f*cking nobody asked for a new Sex in the City. If they did ask for it, they are asking to be deported to a country that allows such frivolous, mindless, stupidity be aired. Oh wait…that’s America. F*CK!

Battle of the Bods

This is ridiculous! There is no way Battle of the Bods is a real show; it has to be an elaborate joke, like Punk’d, let loose on the entire world. Good looking bitchy girls judging each other while arrogant, douchy boys judge them? Oh, I remember where I first heard this concept: in everyday life, at every bar I’ve ever been to. I can smell the douchiness wafting from the set into my living room.

On second thought, let’s keep this one around – we need at least one show where we can laugh at other people’s expense. The Biggest Loser just isn’t cutting it anymore.