If Pedro Were a Yankee

By COED Staff

Over the last year, people have grown more and more in love with animals. They can’t stand seeing anything happen to one of the world’s lovely little creatures – that is until now.

We all saw the pictures (and I got to see the video!) of Pedro Martinez releasing a chicken (rooster…whatever) into a cockfight in the Dominican Republic. For a couple of hours, it was everywhere. The result? Even the most inside net hounds can’t track down the video, and everyone seems to be defending the Dominican right and legality to strap razor blades to the feet of 2 pissed off chickens and let them go at it.

WOW! Oh how times have changed. No PETA rally, no Chicken Lovers’ Coalition, no Al Sharpton, no calls for lethal injection – nada, nothing, zip.

…Huh…it makes me wonder, what if Pedro were a Yankee…

(Cue dream sequence)

If Pedro were a Yankee, fifteen minutes after that video hit YouTube, every major news outlet would have a digital copy dubbed and ready to go at the top of the hour. His new nickname would Pedro “El Pollo Loco” Martinez, and PETA would be so far up his ass they would be picketing his colon.

There would also be a cry – not a cry for better ethnic understanding, not a call for reform – but a cry for justice!

What about the poor chickens!? Who is here to speak for the f**king chickens?! No one…no one indeed. To think that in this day and age, the senseless murder of chickens for the sole sport of 40% of the spanish speaking world is horrific! What is wrong with the Dominican Republic? Add them to the Axis of Evil – and WORSE, Pedro is a Yankee.

You know, I heard when you get endoctrinated into the Yankees, you have to bite the head off of a new-born fetus. No, really – I saw it on Digg, so it MUST be true! It was this dude who keeps posting Hillary campaign articles, but no one ever says sh*t about it (he knows what he is talking about!).

All I can do is eagerly wait for the Congressional hearing on the Cock Reformation, where every player who ever showered in the same room with Pedro will be called to testify as to whether or not he spoke about releasing chickens to fight. Oh boy! And when the last player testifies, and the tens of millions of dollars are spent to investigate – we will have justice. For every chicken who ever died in an unjust, undignified manner, there will be justice!

(Cue return to reality)

F*ck the chickens. We eat them – A LOT. If there were a poultry on the bottom of the food chain, it is the chicken. We throw them into HUGE farms where they barely walk for the duration of their lives. If I were a chicken – strap that f*cking blade to my foot because papa wants to go out in a blaze of motherf*ckin’ glory!!! This article was a brief lesson in how ridiculous we have gotten. They are chickens. As a matter of fact, after they fight, they are almost always eaten on the same day.

Pedro, I am not a Mets fan – I’m obviously a Yankee fan – but we have your back.