I try to steer clear of letting my opinion on music get in the way of being a peaceable guy. Art is objective, and there’s no possible way to gauge what’s truly good or bad – until now.

Pop stars churn out forgettable ditties faster than I jerk it (lightning speed), but this trend has gone too far: Heidi Montag, a chick who’s known for nothing worth mentioning (besides being attractive enough to bone), has decided that yes, a career in music is so hot right now. So. Hot. Right. Now.

Now I’m not down with the latest Trash TV happenings, but this has to be “up there” in terms of sheer stupidity. We have enough no-talent ‘tards running loose in the music industry; Montag phones it in with hopes that nobody notices how fake she is. As hard as I try to focus on something, anything of value, be it a terrible lyric or side boob, my mind simply cannot comprehend what’s happening!

Was this filmed in 1987 on a VHS-C camera? What’s with the Jazz Hands? Does God exist?

I’ve never experienced such a vacant feeling in my life.

I feel dumber now; you deserve to at least feel my equal: