Teen ‘Bhutto Assassin’ Arrested

By COED Staff

15 years old.

Either this is THE most politically aligned 15 year old in the history of fascist religious extremism, or he is lying his ass off.

On the one side, all I hear about is how fanatical these Muslim extremists are at their precious little ‘jihad’ (cue COED headquarters office car bomb). Yes, these extremists are crazy. Yes, they are crazier than 15 year olds in the U.S. – but are you really expecting me to believe that a 15 year old was the Lee Harvey who got closest to the most protected woman in the middle east?

I am throwing the BS card; this kid is lying.

CNN explains that this kid went through Al Qaeda training and was THEN sent on a 5 person sortie into Pakistan. Even better, the cracker-jack detectives on the Pakistan PD tracked down this 15 year old master assassin. Did they catch him playing DDR in a Pakistan strip mall and assume that any kid with killer moves like that must be guilty? He is 15 years old.

When I was 15, I failed a midterm and my teacher said she was going to call my mother. I started crying and convinced her that my mother had died. Furthermore, she couldn’t call my dad because he was so distraught that even talking about it was too much right now. My teacher bought it hook, line and sinker. I mean I sold it! (hand to God, I really did this). The whole f**king school thought my mom died for 2 months – until some whorish teacher tried to call my dad to “console” him.

The point is that adults are inherently stupid. They believe outlandish sh** because no one thinks that a kid could lie about something so horrific. I got news for you: the soul doesn’t develop until around 16 years old, and any kid under 16 is a soulless little bastard who will lie about hellish things just for sh*ts and giggles. Look at your a**hole nephew and tell me I’m wrong.

While I do have the utmost faith in the John Edwards-trained psychic team in the Pakistan police force, get a clue. There are more than enough pissed off middle eastern MEN, they don’t need the kids to try and pull stuff like this off. The reality is that this kids probably got a bootleg version of Assassin’s Creed. He sat back with some goat’s milk and binged on a 22 hour game-fest because his school was bombed out 4 years ago. He finished it, watched the credits and said “I could kill anyone! Now I’m assassin #1!” He probably turned himself in with the game box ON HIM.

I have no doubt that teenage Muslim extremists are hardcore. They easily win the prize for being the most hardcore. Congratulations: here is some food – but don’t try and make me believe that some 15 year old boy was one of the masterminds that killed Bhutto…sorry…not gonna buy it.