I’ve went to the gym a total of four times in my entire life, and never plan on going again. I understand the act of great courage that goes into being overweight and exercising at the gym, in the public.

In my case, I can’t get over the fact that I feel like a total idiot next to ripped dudes that can bench my body weight with one arm tied behind their back.

So I stay at home, flabby in the mid-section, and play Guitar Hero III on Hard (not Expert…yet). That’s how I get my feeling of self-satisfaction.

The most recent innovation in exercising is Krankcycling, a form of working out that resembles mixing batter in a bowl. Johnny Goldberg (”Johnny G.” to the hip cats), who previously created Spinning, is the developer of this upper-body workout. It’s sure to do well in California, home of EZ-living gym rats looking for the next big trend in exercising.

According to an article in the New York Times, the Krankcycle is for experts only:

“When Krankcycles first showed up, people who weren’t very athletic didn’t really understand them,” said Brian Hannah, a fitness director at two Club One outlets. “But members who were more athletic and use the gym more often realized what they did. They call it a ‘spinner for the upper body.’”

Mr. Hannah is right: I don’t understand the Krankcycle. I don’t understand how it’s ushering in a new era of exercising, nor do I “get” the concept of spinning my arms in a contraption when I can masturbate and get the same effect (with better results). My forearms put Popeye to shame.