When Good Actors Make Bad Decisions

The life of an actor in Hollywood is tough.

Between making ludicrous sums of money for playing make-believe, a demanding schedule consisting of people asking questions about celebrity life and paparazzi constantly snapping pictures, an actor must want to just curl up in a ball and not be bothered sometimes – preferably in their private jet or one of their many million-dollar homes.

Am I jealous? Somewhat. Am I angry? Absolutely!

All we ask of actors is to not suck – it’s that simple. But some of Tinseltown’s elite seem to have a problem accomplishing that single task. Loads of money and zero standards breeds bad movies, and the following stars have sold off their talents for cold, hard cash.

To the following offenders: shame, shame, shame.

Dana Carvey

High Points: SNL (1986-1992), Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2

Low Points: Little Nicky, Master of Disguise

Wayne’s World was undoubtedly one of the great pop-culture flicks of the ’90s, with Dana Carvey’s Garth being the elder statesman of the Slacker Generation. Couple that with Carvey’s wide array of characters from his SNL salad days and you would assume that he’d have mega-budget movie deals up the wazoo.

Alas, it wasn’t to be.

Carvey’s career officially called it quits when he starred in the Greek tragedy known as Master of Disguise. He said it was “for the kids,” but I don’t know any child who could tolerate that steaming pile of sh*t.

In related news, Carvey hasn’t starred in a feature film since Master of Disguise. It’s assumed he washes windows for a living now.

Ben Affleck

High Points: Good Will Hunting, Dogma

Low Points: Gigli, Pearl Harbor, Daredevil, Surviving Christmas

Perhaps it’s unfair to judge Affleck based on one monumental flop (Gigli), so I’m not: his career was in the dumps way before (and far after) Bennifer. Besides Good Will Hunting and the criminally underrated Dogma, Affleck’s track record has been lackluster to say the least (The Sum of All Fears, Smokin’ Aces) and horrifying to say the worst (Pearl Harbor, Daredevil, Surviving Christmas).

Affleck really needs to call up his old pal Matt Damon (or Matt Damon’s agent) for some tips, seeing that movies like Paycheck are a little too self-referential for his own good.

Eddie Murphy

High Points: SNL (1980-1984), Raw, Delirious, Coming to America, Beverly Hills Cop

Low Points: Doctor Dolittle, Holy Man, Daddy Day Care, Norbit

It pains me to watch Eddie Murphy slum it these days, considering he’s one of greatest comedians to ever hit the big screen. His films of the late 80s/early 90s were almost all classic; sometime in the mid-90s he got unbelievably careless.

I will stand up in Murphy’s defense when it comes to Nutty Professor and his stellar voice-acting in the Shrek series. But an ill-conceived Nutty sequel and several prosthetically-enhanced flicks later and I can’t vouch for the man anymore.

To paraphrase a quote from Prince Akeem in Coming to America: “When you think of garbage, think of Eddie Murphy.”

Nicolas Cage

High Points: Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Adaptation., Matchstick Men

Low Points: Gone in Sixty Seconds, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, National Treasure, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, Next

C’mon, admit it: Nicolas Cage isn’t that bad of an actor. To dispute his chops is to pan his performances in Raising Arizona and Adaptation; nobody in their right mind could do that. Even big-budget popcorn movies like The Rock are tons of fun, and not to be taken seriously.

Unfortunately for Cage, almost every other movie in his catalog are cringe-worthy on impact.

Out of all the big-name actors in Hollywood Cage may be most notorious for sabotaging woulda-coulda-shoulda been great movies. From the flaccid Gone in Sixty Seconds (a movie that single-handedly spawned the “cool cars/hot chicks” genre) to his weepy-eyed turn in the colossal bore Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Cage doesn’t know when to quit.

Cuba Gooding Jr.

High Points: Boyz N the Hood, Jerry Maguire

Low Points: Chill Factor, Pearl Harbor, Rat Race, Snow Dogs, Boat Trip, The Fighting Temptations, Radio, Norbit, What Love Is, Daddy Day Camp, etc.

Hands-down the biggest waste of talent working in Hollywood today.

What happened to OSCAR WINNER Cuba Gooding Jr.? After impressive roles in Boyz N the Hood and Jerry Maguire the proverbial ball was in his court. Instead of taking his time, landing cool, calculated 3-point shots he chose to throw massive bricks in every direction possible, outpacing the likes of latter-day Eddie Murphy and Pauly Shore in terms of doing any movie pitched his way.

His low points are among the absolute lowest in cinematic history.

Rat Race? Snow Dogs? Daddy Day Camp?! What are you doing, Gooding Jr.?

This list is just a sampler – feel free to chime in with your own picks in the comments.