Bad Movies that Keep on Sucking

Bad movies come in more than one form. There are the ouch-that-must-have-hurt-but-not-so-bad flicks like Anaconda or A Walk To Remember. There are also the legendary, “Oh my god … what the hell were they thinking?” atrocities like Summer Catch and Showgirls.

These are the titles you will never forget. Think of them like herpes. When you think the worst is over, it just comes back to haunt you…not that we know what that’s like.

But, anyway, here are a few of our (least) favorites:

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Aliens kidnap Santa Claus to make toys for their children. Surely, this is a metaphor for the modern workforce. We expect a Michael Moore remake any day now.

Infamy: Let’s see, Martian kids devoid of all emotion who live on pills… for most parents in California that sounds pretty normal.

For Your Height Only/Challenge of the Tiger
The ultimate must-be-seen-to-be-believed double-bill, conveniently available on one disc. In FYHO, Weng Weng plays Agent 00, a three-foot-tall secret agent charged with saving the world. Meanwhile, “Tiger” offers up a faux-Bruce-Lee-chopsocky flick, with dead characters suddenly reemerging, thugs materializing out of thin air and a kung-fu bullfight.

Infamy: What’s worse, dwarf-fu and midget disco dancing (FYHO) or slo-mo topless tennis (COTT)? Actually, both sound kinda hot.

Skidoo
This “comedy” about a retired gangster and his hippie daughter shows that Hollywood was completely clueless about the 60s. Oh, and Groucho Marx plays “God”; that’s the gangster, not the Lord Almighty.

Infamy: It’s always great to see a jailed Jackie Gleason getting dosed with LSD. Corniest drug scene ever.

Battlefield Earth
This sci-fi debacle did more damage to Scientology than Tom Cruise could’ve ever hoped to in 100 Oprah appearances. Based on the L. Ron Hubbard novel, Battlefield’s plot involves wise-cracking aliens with big foreheads (John Travolta! Forest Whitaker! Why?) taking over the Earth. Our only hope? Fort Knox and a couple of 20th-century fighters.

Infamy: Aliens wearing plastic monster gloves, platform boots and dreadlocks…it kind of makes us miss the lovably racist antics of Jar Jar Binks.

Can’t Stop the Music
This early 80s fairy tale about the disco novelty band The Village People was years too late and failed to make the gay-friendly group heterosexual icons. Wearing ass-less, black-leather chaps could’ve been sooo big.

Infamy: The solo songs are wince-worthy, the musical milk commercial (“Do the Shake”?) mind-numbing and the gratuitous groin shots…no comment. But wait until you see Leatherman without his shirt on. The dude’s a human Brillo pad!

From Justin to Kelly
Don’t let the title trick you into thinking this is some kind of sex-change movie. This unofficial American Idol movie tie-in features Kelly Clarkson and furry AI-reject Justin Guarini attempting to bring back the good old days of spring break fun and synchronized dancing.

Infamy: Two words: Justin Guarini.

The Terror of Tiny Town
Can’t get enough of lil’ folks? This “rootin’, tootin’, shootin’ drama” proudly claims “an all-midget cast.” The stars ride around on Shetland ponies and walk under the swinging doors into the saloon.

Infamy: Check out the shot of the miniature bartender downing a glass of beer the size of his head in one gulp. Not bad for the pint-sized drink-slinger.

Gigli
Essentially, with Gigli, you get the “pleasure” of watching Bennifer 1.0 crash and burn in excruciatingly slow motion. Is Affleck actually pretending not to act? At one point, J.Lo’s lesbian-gangster asks “Why don’t we try and make this pleasant?” Sorry, that’s just impossible.

Infamy: Ben and Jen’s epic “penis vs. vagina” discourse. Priceless.

The Black Gestapo
The most idiotic blaxploitation film ever made. In Gestapo, a security force for a militant black-power group challenges “The Syndicate,” intimidating the community at large. Power corrupts, but is the bathtub-castration scene really necessary?

Infamy: The filmmakers turn the black-power salute into a Nazi sieg-heil. How thoughtful of them!