Hey fellas: want to know a sure-fire way to get a chiseled body without foolish, time-wasting activities like exercising and a healthy diet? Want to throw back a six-pack while maintaining some sick, six-pack abs? It can be done – all you have to do is get “abdominal etching,” which is a nice way to say “male liposuction.”

Six-pack surgery is a medical procedure that sucks that extra fat out of your beer gut followed by the etching in of faux-abs, all for the cost of a semester’s tuition. The outcome looks like you lost a couple pounds and applied magic marker to your stomach in hopes of fooling anybody willing to see your obvious lack of physique.

It’s unbelievable that guys would actually go to these extremes. Contrary to popular belief, there are at least three types of girls when it comes to body appreciation: girls who want their man chiseled and defined; girls who love rail-thin body types and girls that can’t get enough of beer-guzzling, hoagie-scarfing men who enjoy enjoying themselves. If you feel inclined to mangle your body with pricey surgery, the most may be better spent on a shrink.

To impress a female in the aforementioned categories, you just need to follow these simple rules:

Chiseled and defined (not recommended): live at the gym and live off egg-whites, steamed broccoli, chicken and ego.

Rail-thin body type (not recommended): become a “starving artist”; don’t eat anything ever; invest into a heroin and/or cocaine habit.

Real-man physique: eat, drink and be merry without going overboard.

If the idea of ditching beer and greasy food (read: fun) doesn’t sound too wonderful, remember: a beer gut is a man’s rite of passage.