Being a nice guy means many things to a girl – “cute,” “fun to go out with,” “a real good friend” – but it almost never means “I want to bring you back to my place and proceed to ****, ****, and **** every last **** of your **** followed by the best ******* ever.”

Nice guys like my friend (let’s call him “Michael”) tailgate not football games, but Shakespeare in the Park in hopes of laying pipe.

Michael is the type of guy that goes out for drinks with large groups of horny girls that reveal to him every filthy, slutty thought women have (for kicks, right ladies?). He will go on several dates with a chick that won’t even give him a complimentary handjob for his troubles. Michael is a real swell guy who ladies could bring home to their parents without a hitch.

Nice guys like Michael are the biggest victims of the dreaded cuddle rape.

What is cuddle rape, you ask? Simple: it’s cuddling without consent. Most cases of cuddle raping go down when a girl you like – and more importantly, knows that you like her – brings you home after a night of hard partying only to have you sleep on the couch. That happens on occasion; it’s what happens next that is horrifying.

Upon waking up the next morning, the prissy chicks’ limbs are wrapped around you, post-coitus style. You don’t remember any hot steamy action but there she is, all cuddly and lovey-dovey, like the night before consisted of a sexual marathon. You get pissed, and the girl thinks you’re an insensitive prick who only wants to bone. For some reason unnkown to men, women think this is actually OK.

Let’s play swap-the-gender; let’s play equality: a nice, not-too-shabby looking guy invites a girl over after a drunken, flirtatious night. He decides to have her sleep on the couch (why any man would do that is beyond me). Cutie-pie kisses are given, and the night comes to an end. Knowing that he’s not getting any play, dude may attempt a quick jack in the privacy of his room. No harm done…yet.

After the girl falls asleep, he decides to slip into her sleeping quarters and wrap himself around her. If a girl woke up to that, a rape whistle would be the only thing blown.

If a guy can get labeled an a**hole for only wanting sex from a girl, why can’t a girl get labeled an a**hole for only wanting affection from a guy?

What’s the difference if only one person gets f***ed in the end of either situation?

Rape is no laughing matter; cuddle rape is just a slang phrase. I personally believe in true-blue honesty and not giving false signals. It’s not about getting shut down by a girl – that happens to guys every night, deservedly in most cases. This is about playing a game to get what you want, from free drinks from dorks to moving up in the bathroom line based on your “hotness.” It’s a game that most females can, at the very least, admit to seeing once in a while, if not participating.