How Not to be Sexiled: Tips and Tricks

Everybody likes sex.

Unless it’s sex you’re not involved in, coming from the bed on the other side of the room. At 3 A.M. When you’ve got a test in 5 hours.

One of the most annoying (and sometimes, horrifying) aspects of going to college is the roommate’s not-so-silent sex fest.

It happens to almost everyone; you don’t know your roommate that well, she brings someone back to the room, you pretend you’re asleep, and the newly formed partnership proceeds to take full advantage of the condoms from the bathroom condom basket.

For a first time sex-fest listener, it can be a scarring occurrence. You want to speak up, but you also don’t, you want desperately to fall asleep, but it’s impossible due to the loud noises coming from across the room.

Here are some tips to keep you from waking up in the middle of the night in horror.

#1 Start Talking Early – You’re in college now. You’re mature. You know what sex is. Once you find out a little bit about the person you’re sharing a room with, asking them about their “sleeping arrangementsâ€? is no big deal. Subtly try to find out if they enjoy having someone else in their bed at all times, or if they prefer to snuggle up to a teddy bear at night. Offering up what you’re comfortable with before they do (“You know, I’m totally fine with hook-ups in this room. Just let me know when you might be swinging by and I’ll give you some privacyâ€?) allows you to clear the air and show your new roomie that you’re open and easy to talk to.

#2 Set Rules – Once you’ve started the conversation, try to find a few “rules to abide byâ€? when it comes to hooking up. Some examples: “Sex is okay in the room as long as the other person has a place to goâ€? or “Locking someone out of their room for hours on end is a no-noâ€? or most importantly, “The condom bowl is by the TV on the shelf“.

#3 Buy a Whiteboard – Putting a whiteboard up on the hallway side of your door allows roommates to communicate through code. When I was in school, my roomie would scrawl a not so subtle “Don’t come a knockin!â€? whenever she was having some private time with her boy. That sentence meant I should come back in a hour…or two.

#4 Don’t Allow Inconsiderate Behavior – If you end up rooming with a rude person (it happens, unfortunately) don’t allow them to walk all over you when it comes to sharing the space. It’s all fine and great that she has a boyfriend (or multiple boyfriends), but you own the room just as much as she does, and you’re spending way too much money to allow someone to keep you locked out at all hours.

#5 Consider a Fan – Background noise is always good, because sometimes, even the nicest of people can’t help themselves. Having some white noise to block certain small sounds out is a great help…whether you’re trying to keep from hearing sighs of pleasure from across the room or frat parties from across the hall.

#6 Treat Others Like You Want to be Treated – Your mom was right, the golden rule DOES work. As in most situations, if you show your roommate that you respect her privacy, her space, and her sleep, she will most likely repay the favor.

…And in the rare case your roommate is a total nymphomaniac bitch, earplugs are pretty cheap.