I am completely baffled whenever I hear anybody say they find Dane Cook funny. Every time. Without fail. Am I being too critical or are the standards for comedy lower than ever?

What has Cook ever done that’s even remotely funny? He’s a third-rate Adam Sandler man-boy out to please vapid sorority chicks and pre-teen boys who haven’t learned how to use their cocks yet – and I guess that’s funny in itself (at his expense).

Tall-glass of Haterade aside, everybody deserves a second chance, and that’s what Good Luck Chuck is out to prove. Unfortunately for Cook, it fails miserably in every possible way.

Cook plays Charlie (”Chuck”), a sweet-hearted dentist whose streak with women has been unsatisfactory since a Goth-girl back in the day hexed him to eternally be the “other guy,” the Nice-Guy type that always gets screwed over in relationships when the girl jumps ship and gets with another man. He bones hot broads on the regular but is sick of not being marriage material.

Awwwww. So very, very sad.

Once our profagonist meets the klutzy Cam (Jessica Alba, lookin’ delicious) Chuck is worried that if he sleeps with Cam she will just turn around and leave him. Yeah…guys totally worry about sleeping with somebody that looks like Jessica Alba (let alone is Jessica Alba) in fear of her turning around and leaving. Sure, she’s a keeper from the looks of her; but beggars can’t be choosers, either.

Luckily for poor Chuck, his best friend Stu (Dan Fogler), a horny breast reconstruction surgeon (naturally, for comedy’s sake), walks him through frat-esque lessons on women that include fondling grapefruits, pleasuring stuffed penguins and going to town on fatties. Along the way lessons are learned, hearts are broken and true love wins out before the big finish (if you consider that a spoiler you have the exact IQ this movie calls for).

Alba’s role, all cutesy and accident-prone, is not without merits – but that’s probably because she’s so damn hot. I personally can’t say no to Jessica Alba making an ass of herself…or Jessica Alba’s ass for that matter.

Good Luck Chuck is hardly the fraternity territory Cook is used to (outside of the clichéd alpha-male scenes with Fogler). If anything it’s worse: a sappy slapstick rom-com with no laughs or a clue.

F**k Chuck – Knocked Up and Superbad kick its scrawny ass seven ways to Sunday.