I have a confession: I’m an online dater.

A little over a year ago, after my Big Breakup of 2006, I decided I needed to get out there. And get out there, I did. I dated my way through New York City, often with humorous results. Some dates turned into brief relationships, some turned into ranting emails to my best friend.

And though I was pretty picky about what I was looking for, I learned all too often that there is a difference between how a guy presents himself in answers to questions in an online profile and how he actually acts sitting in front of you, over too many glasses of Sangria.

And since sharing is caring, dear readers, if you ever find yourself trolling online personals, keep an eye open for the following red flags I’ve noticed and know what to expect:

He leaves the “Occupationâ€? field blank, or answers it with something like “Who cares?â€?
He is either unemployed or hates his job with a passion, which he will talk your ear off about on your date. Before sticking you with the bill when you half-heartedly offer to pay.

He starts describing himself by writing “I’m just your average guy…â€?
Will bore you to tears. Bring a book.

His only picture is super close-up.
Sure, you may think this is a good sign—after all, if he’s this cute so up close, that must be a good sign. Wrong. Take a look at what the picture is cutting off. His forehead? Balding. Just below his lips? Second, possibly third, chin.

He treats his profile as a stream-of-consciousness diary, explicitly stating that “I don’t really know what to say about myself…â€? before rambling on.
Let’s put it this way: if a guy came up to you at a bar and starting the conversation by telling you he has nothing to say about himself, would you go out with him? Didn’t think so.

His mouth is closed in every picture, even where he’s smiling.
Yeah, maybe he just naturally smiles with a closed mouth. Or, maybe, just maybe, you’re in for some horrendous teeth. Perhaps a tooth where it doesn’t belong, such as one comfortably resting right on top of another one. True story.

His answer to the question asking about his favorite books is “I don’t read.â€?
Dumb, and proud of it.

He either doesn’t have a picture, or it’s only of his body.
Married.

His pictures are mostly with his pet.
You’ll be sleeping on the floor while he dog snuggles up next to him in bed.

He says he’s looking for a woman who is independent.
He’s looking for a woman he doesn’t have to call.