Tailgating 101

Tailgating. It has become the most popular ‘ritual before the actual ritual’ ritual. It takes the term ‘pre-gaming’ to a whole different level. Whether it’s before a concert, graduation, Baptism, a job or even a funeral, it all has the same universal goal, laid out very simply in this sentence: “Drink to get drunk before you drink, you drunk!â€? In other words, it’s the process of getting a nice buzz going before the actual main event, in this week’s case, Opening Sunday of the NFL.

If you are one of the unfortunate cities to not have an NFL team … well, you will most likely have a less awesome time than those tailgating… unless your doing your own thing, like drinking. If you are drinking, don’t drive, unless you’re driving an SUV of course… Anyway, where was I? Oh right, drinking to get drunk before you drink, you drunk.

Depending on where you are from and the type of fans the team has will decide what kind of tailgate will be had. Bears fans from the windy city and Patriot fans holding their beers with gloves on up in the Northeast, usually have a really super tailgate… judging by the heaviness of their male population: fat people drink and eat more!

The severely deprived fans of Philadelphia have their own little slogan, “Drink to get drunk before being disappointed.â€? These fans know their teams will ultimately shit the bed, so the Philadelphia tailgate usually starts a good 7 hours before kickoff, if you are running late. The idea of which being that if I drink enough that losing again won’t sting as bad. But it always stings. So what takes place in a solid tailgate? And how do I impress the brother-in-law with a sweet, sweet tailgate? Well I will help you plan the tailgate of, well the week. Here is part 1 of the series: THE VITALS!

Well the most important thing to have for a tailgate is time. Time to prep and set up. Time to drink a lot. Time to cook. Time to throw a football around. Time to drink, a lot more. Time to eat. Time to wait in line to pee. Time to clean everything up. Time to walk to the stadium. OK, so that’s at least five hours of time I just typed there. So, reiteration: get there in enough time to do things.

The food and drink brought are usually dependant on the crowd and number of people attending a tailgate party. Usually, larger parties, everyone supplies a different food, or in some cases, the group will take turns every week with only one bringing everything.

In order to have a good tailgate, a grill(s) is muy importante. Exhaust from the car does not heat a bratwurst. No, a grill takes care of all the important food at a tailgate: the burgers, dogs, sausages, brats, ribs, and shish-ca-bobs. There are also many intangibles that bring smiles to tailgaters, like chips and dip, cheese and crackers and sandwiches.

BEER: multiple, domestic and ice cold. Beer makes everyone happy and keeps the American population growing. Usually someone slips in a bottle of liquor here and there, but being blacked-out isn’t a way to watch a game; it isn’t a way to anything.

Drinking all day gives you things to do. Open. Lift. Gulp. Swallow. Lower. Lift. Gulp. Swallow. Burp. Lower. And so on. Before you know it, that girl is hot and you’re ready to win a ballgame. Yes, beer is a key player at a tailgate: helps to talk to strangers, makes the food tolerable, makes peeing next to the car the standard, helps make the hugs and ‘I love yousâ€? roll right off the tongue. Yes, it’s beer. The reason you were conceived.

So drink up, because when you get in the stadium, beers suddenly become $13 bucks a cup. Major credit cards accepted.

Next issue, I will discuss urination, exploration, time killers and games!