The World Sexual Relationship Database

As far as W.H.O.M. (World Health Optimization Management) is concerned, it’s a great idea to publish the sexual history of every human being in existence on the web for all to see.

The World Sexual Relationship Database is a user-run website that’s much easier to maintain than the crumpled-up “list” most dudes jot down on a piece of paper every few months/weeks/years. The layout is simple; it’s contents deep. Well, not deep yet.

When typing in my name, no partners popped up – meaning that I’M A VIRGIN. How could this happen? In this pissing-contest above all pissing-contests I’m embarrassed…and somehow relieved. Nobody must know about my one-night stand with a wrinkled, floppy-breasted Ukrainian mother doused in Vodka and regret. Whoops…

So, how accurate are these lists? Not very, according to my search on herpes-homeboy Derek Jeter. His listing only shows sexual connections to James Massengill and Alex Rodriguez – not the most reliable site of web sex stats, are we World Sexual Relationship Database? Then again, their Paris Hilton listing is much more telling…

Handling its database Wikipedia-style – sources confirmed, facts checked – it’s all too easy to enter your friend/enemy into the system and fill their listing with past high-school fatties and vicious rumors. But as the W.H.O.M. disclaimer bell tolls:

To insure accuracy, anyone may edit sexual histories, provided he or she logs in with a valid email address. We reserve the right to ban users who knowingly provide false information, as this is not meant to be a forum for emotional retaliation or gamesmanship. It is a scientific undertaking, meant to elucidate patterns in the ever-changing web of human existence. Only you can monitor the accuracy of this important research tool.

For the purposes of this study, a sexual partner shall be defined as a human with whom a person has had oral, anal or vaginal sexual contact.

With that said, I can’t wait to submit “blow-up doll,” “washer-dryer” and “Matty’s couch” under my ex-roommate’s name – he’s an a**hole.